
I presume that the only reason there aren't more sports for our 6th graders is because of lack of school funding. Next year, Jenna will have access to a bigger variety. This year, the only sport available to 6th graders is track & field. She didn't want to do it. I encouraged her to give it a try for a few weeks and when I met resistance I stopped the encouragement. To my surprise, she applied.
The first day was full of:
"I don't like it," and "I'm the slowest one in the group"
"The coach said to give it 80% but if I really gave it 80% it wouldn't even look like I was running with the same group!"
Yesterday:
"My shins hurt ... bad!"
"I don't like it"
"I fell over the hurdle today and it really hurt!"
"everything is so sore ... I can't move!"
"I'm so slow!"
She looks at herself in this group of track & field participants and sees herself coming in last. I look at a school full of 6th thru 8th grader kids that aren't participating at all. I know she won't quit - because she is already looking at the meet dates & times. I have had lots of encouraging talks with her about how the body will respond in the next 2 weeks and it won't always be so hard. Jenna opted not to participate in the National Honor Society, "because of all the extra work," but opted to enroll and be tested in TAG. She believes the TAG program will give her access to more challenging math classes. She complains of boredom. She excels in all subjects and so I wonder how to get her access to courses that will inspire her.
We got a handicap permit to park closer so that when Darin is on crutches or dropped off to school in his wheelchair. This has improved the difficulty for sure. He will have major surgery beginning of May. Pressure wound is mostly healed, we are down to the single last epithelial layer. Today, he opted to wear his leg. It's not about pain, so he says. It's about keeping the pressure wound intact and as healed as possible. It was necrotic and not in good condition but it has come a long way. He lost his violin book so after buying him another one, I found his old one stashed in Jenna's music books. Now, he has two. Darin had extensive neuropsychiatric testing a week or two ago and we will go together to receive results next week. Ritalin has improved his performance at school. After a violent outburst, I grounded him from electronic devices (ipad and computer) for 1 month. We are nearing the time when he will be granted access to those devices again and I will limit both kids to no more than 2 hrs per day. If that doesn't go well, we will remove them permanently. Darin has done very well with not having electronics, I partially think because he seems to understand the gravity of his actions. He has been building all kinds of lego creations. We are paying a lot of money for him to have tutoring after school (3 times per week). I hope that all of these interventions and support will keep him on a good track for success in his life. It's our goal that Darin can find happiness and success in life. His appetite was very suppressed at the beginning of the ritalin therapy, but it has steadily improved and now he's back to eating 3 meals per day. He has dropped some of the excess weight around his mid section, that seemed to begin about 1 year after prozac usage. Darin's energy is also amazingly improved. Insomnia comes and goes.
Which brings me to my own version of happiness and success. I was forced to call out sick yesterday because our nanny didn't come to work (kidney stones, she says). She has been reliable until this point. With Derek leaving town, I didn't have a choice because we don't have a back up trained well enough to drop off and pick up and be a taxi. Today is a busy day for the kids because Jenna has school, track, piano lessons and her day doesn't end until 6pm. Darin had orchestra practice before school, school, tutoring x 1 hr and needs to accompany us to Jenna's lessons.
Last Friday, I was informed at pick up that Emma was mean and even mean "when unprovoked." I was told she gets one more chance this coming week to improve or she might not be able to come back. Upon inspecting her closer that evening, it was discovered that she had a full thickness ear puncture wound with an abscess. No wonder Emma didn't feel like playing and was grouchy. I didn't appreciate the comment on Friday from the doggy daycare, where she has been going for 6 months without a concern. The comment wasn't out of concern for Emma's change in behavior, but was flippant and dismissive. In the past month or more, I haven't liked the way she was treated by one of the staff members when she gets dropped off or picked up. I know that Emma jumps and it's annoying, but the one staff member (who I actually think is the owner), kicks her back and yells at her. To put this in perspective, I pay $400/month for Emma to go there during the daytime only for 3 times per week. I have started watching this behavior over the past month or so and so this comment last Friday by that same staff member, now in light of Emma's medical condition, leads me to believe that the doggy daycare might not be the safest and best place for Emma during the day anyhow. I was never even alerted that she was in a dog fight but clearly from the full thickness puncture wound she was. I'm not the most satisfied customer. It's difficult thinking of how to fill this gap, without hiring somebody else to come mid-day. Derek bathed Emma and cleaned out the wound and we have been applying antibiotic ointment since, which has vastly improved the wound.
I'm kind of tired of hiring people, especially when I feel like the quality is low. While the part time nanny person is dependable, it's no surprise that she has a kidney stone. She makes low quality meals and, for awhile, was taking the kids out everyday for processed drinks of some kind (Jumba juices, coffee milkshakes, etc). Those drinks, when in 16 oz, can harbor at least 300+ unusable calories which was of concern to me when Darin had a poorer appetite. She is generally in poor health, although young, and has poor eating habits. Jenna seems to bring it up often and it's actually been a good point for discussion and education when she brings it up. I asked the nanny to stop taking the kids out for these foods and she has honored my wishes. She has given Jenna a hard time about the seaweed snacks she was eating and refuses to make fish sticks or fish fillets because she, herself, doesn't like the way fish smells. She doesn't come with any agenda on full days off - she comes in right to the minute on-time, sits on the couch and opens her laptop. I would like to have a person with pep and energy and come to work with my kids on their agenda. I'm still not sure how she will get Darin dropped off with his wheelchair because I don't think her car has a hatchback.
Oh, yes. Happiness and success. I haven't heard anymore from my employer about expanding my role out of the office. Whatever the decision the group makes, it will be a big change (twice as many doctors vs. development of midwifery services to supplement their medical care). Those big decisions take time to sort through. I am grateful for the time. I'm in no hurry to return to inpatient care, but the since the door was creaked open, I've been exploring all options.
Ironically, I have been looking for ways out of a full time job.
I briefly perused the different types of jobs available with the education and experience I have, looking for something like travel, that would give me the option to work for 1 month and take 2 months off. An ideal situation where I can make my schedule. I would love to say, "I'm not working in May," and be so needed that I can return for another adventure or contract when the timing is better. I happened upon the local birth center that is looking for a new CNM and discovered that my labor nurse for Darin, also a person I considered my friend, now has a DNP and is working at the birth center. I want to make contact and say, "hello." What would be the chances? Although I would get an opportunity to work in a satisfying birth culture, the hours would indeed be long in that environment as well.
Growing increasingly dissatisfied with the routine work schedule's effect on my personal life, I have started playing with the numbers. My personal life is particularly busy because of the medical specialty appointments necessary to keep Darin on track. I also can't even fathom paying so much money for a dog service where I get a grouchy, injured dog out of it. We all deserve better, really.
Derek says I get restless when I get bored. I wonder if that is what is at bay, or if I'm really just a few feet from flying in a different direction? I guard any changes in employment, quite yet, because I don't think I have all the information I need.
I have learned something new in the last 1 year. I wanted a particular professional track so badly that I gave everything for it. When it wasn't a good fit, I failed to recognize it. I held on so tight, demanding that my endeavor would be a success. I reorganized my life, moved back home (forced). For the first time in many years, I stopped seeking. Right now, I don't have professional goals. I maintain, which requires quite a few hours as well. Despite maintaining & developing some newer skills & outpatient procedures, my inpatient delivery skills quietly slip away each month.
Is this the end of my professional world? I tell myself no. There are only a million other directions I can go. Go for my doctorate, get my ANP or FNP certification/degree, go back to L&D nursing, try travel positions, learn hospice nursing or even take 1 year off and try to get myself together. The twine frayed upon my return home.
I have started looking into how to own a second home near the beach. Specifically, near a beach entrance. If I wasn't working so hard in nursing, I could work on our kitchen and work on a beach house. I could be available when the kids are available, participate in their lives as a parent. When I dream, it's dangerous for us.
I tell myself that lots of families have two working parents. April will be the first month where we won't have to pay rent on top of mortgage. It's this week that I plan to restart maximizing payments to our roth IRAs. Our efforts to "stay on course," have helped in that we have essentially free healthcare for us and the kids whether we are working or not. We also have Derek's pension and now his disability pay. It's not enough to cover our bills, but we are close to rebuilding what we needed to remove to make this untimely move back to Oregon.
I'm so happy to be home. Back home in Oregon. Really, it's everything I needed and who knew I would need this course to return?
Am I so unhappy with the routines that I break away and change course, before we have built up a safe monetary nest? Do I put our quality of life first and make the jump, without fear, while harboring the faith that we will land where we are meant to be? If I dropped everything, would I be able to redirect myself to another source of income or another career? Would I find ... "more?" I don't think a single person looking in at our situation would find it unreasonable to have a parent at home dedicated to Darin's mission.
I have on and off days with my hip. Some weeks are terrible and some weeks now show that my stamina, endurance -- and hip -- are improving. This week my hip only weakly complains. In January, after only running for the 3 months prior, I decided - rather randomly - that a 25 mi per week running routine would be ideal. I never dreamed that going from 20 to 25 miles/wk would bring me the hip pain that it did. April comes in a few days. I don't want to expand my mileage per week because of my healthy fear of injury. This past week, to ease the boredom but prevent injury, I've been increasing the incline on the treadmill. It brings my attention back to working harder and before I know it the run is over.
I used to have my professional identity tied into my identity as a person. These two created a self esteem. I have learned to untie the two. I am not afraid of "not being." I now know that I can do whatever I set my mind to and that my ability to achieve success is self-defined. I want to pursue bigger questions - am I happy? Am I healthy? Am I balanced? Do I have peace?
When I pick up the mean "unprovoked," family dog and walk in the door nearing 7pm to a messy house, dirty dishes from a low quality dinner and tired children, after having worked dark-to-dark and missing the rare sunshine entirely, I ask myself big questions. I pay out "everyone," who has helped make this schedule a success and then turn around do it all over again. Financially, starting in April, we should start reaping what we are sowing.
I guess I just wonder if there is another way. Can I work a month and take a month off? Can I pursue a new hobby or career? Can I return to birth or should I? We have spent several years working really hard and now that we are both at "new," jobs we aren't afforded enough time off. We are both experienced in our fields, but because of new jobs we are tied down. I don't have more than 2 weeks total time for the year and I'm sure that I will use this time during Darin's surgery. That means no vacation for me. Heck, I'm taking my first "sick day," today and I'm not even sick. Between the kids & nanny, life has taught me that I literally don't have the time to be sick. I have to use it for others. Derek isn't even allowed to tap into PTO time because he hasn't been at his position long enough.
I guess I just have a wandering mind. When I don't think too hard, I find myself - with my family - in Hawaii working as a travel midwife. Sometimes, I am in North Carolina on the coast. Or, I find myself ripping up old carpet and pulling out counter tops and replacing them with granite. And, then, I'm talking about how grand the experiences really were.
But wouldn't those experiences be maximizing my potential or am I just day dreaming again? If neither of us worked and we wanted a comfortable lifestyle w/ savings, we only need $3k per month. Something inside of me says I can make this happen in a much less stressful way.