Ham Kin

Fine Details of Food & Running

I went into a mood funk over the weekend. Nothing serious, but just a perplexing funk of wanting new directions. I didn't run over the weekend either. My mind got in the way.

My mileage has been hovering around the 10-12 miles per week for the past few weeks. I decided I really want the benefits of running, but I want them everyday. On last Friday AM, I ran my 5 miles before work and by afternoon at work I was really tired. I had problems with insomnia over the Sunday-Monday and that is another sign of a mood funk. I took some unisom Monday night after work and that solved the problem. I realized this week that the mood funk was probably naturally hormone induced. I learned I can suffer hormone induced depression w/ PMS and I had it during the entirety of my pregnancies.  Fortunately, it seems better today.

I noticed that when I run higher mileages during the week that on the weekends I usually need a nap. I will nap a hard 2-3 hours. This really takes away from my weekends. This week, I promised myself a lower mileage week, but since my routine needs a boost I will do 3-4 miles at least 5 days this week. Minimum requirement of 3.15 at least 5 times this week. It's Wednesday and I've done it twice. I'm at 8.15 miles this week. The 3.15 miles is a lot less time and less of a stretch. Running is good for me, but more is not necessarily better. Even though it wasn't super hot (60s) this morning, it's very humid and gearing up for a 85 degree day. I wore just my sports bra and running shorts and I learned that even my belly sweats.

I've had some gut issues for several months now. I have decided that it might be a good time to try eliminating some foods to see if it improves. Since my dairy consumption has been pretty low for the last few years, I wonder if whatever dairy that gets in (icecream occasionally, cheese, ranch dressing) is causing indigestion. It could also be a gluten issue as well. All I know is that it might be worth it to try some experimentation and see if things improve. On the genetic testing that Tom had done, it showed a very high risk for celiac disease (3-6 times higher than the average population). At the time I wasn't symptomatic but the last 1-2 years I've had mild changes and these last few months are noticeably different. Not in a I should go to the doctor way (I mean, really ... what would he say? I'm sure there's a pill for that), but something's not exactly best way. My grandmother has a history of Crohn's and I sure hope that's not where I'm headed but I don't have those symptoms fortunately. I have symptoms of intolerance.

Today I have off and the kids have been begging me to go to the movies. I bought tickets for us all to see The Secret Life of Pets 3D. I would also like to consider getting a new phone.

Work has been good. I just love fitting in and having a predictable day. I love the MA that is paired with me. We make a great team. It has been a good year here, finally falling into a group where I'm accepted and appreciated. I haven't known what that has felt like since my first job as a nurse midwife (in a doctor group, also). I also like having my own panel of GYN patients. The OBs are attracted to me, as I am to them. I wonder what it will be like to return to catching babies, when the intensity is ramped up again. Going back into the hospital setting will be like revisiting a well known part of myself, actually it was everything I knew about my career. I started in the hospital setting as a late teen/early 20s adult as a unit secretary & OB tech. Hospital work is all I knew, although I've had several roles in the same specialty.  I took a break from the intensity and I wonder what it will be like to return. Will it be comforting? It's funny that patients keep asking me if I will be there at the hospital for them. It's spontaneous and a pretty regular conversation. Will I see it for the intense work that it really is, given that the intensity has been so low in the outpatient setting for the last year? Only time will tell.

Time for a green smoothie and 3D glasses.

Pushing it until it refluxes

I really need to get a new computer. I haven't been blogging much. I think it's because I don't lean on it as an outlet anymore. With my computer on it's last legs, it too time consuming to get a picture uploaded. Today, I'm using Jenna's computer. Primarily, because I needed it to finish the online hospital modules as part of my application for medical staff privileges. Now, I'm using it because it's more convenient and she's not home ... yet (tonight, she will be). I wish I wasn't using an iphone to take pictures.  I have a good camera and I'm in the elementary stages of learning to use it, but it would still yield better pictures than these.

Ever since the 2 week adenovirus sickness, I've slacked on my running. I've run maybe 15 miles per week since then and the past 2 weeks have been a 5-10 mi/week. I've had routine interruptions and I haven't learned to cope with those. I've not been exercise-less the entire time. I've walked with Jenna on hilly neighborhood sidewalks, I've walked on some mornings and I even biked one day. I've made poor choices in regard to diet more often than I can remember since adenovirus days, too. The wine habit has crept back in and that needs nixed again. I weigh more now than I have in 2 years, although only by 10 lb. I've allowed myself dietary indiscretions such as processed foods, sugars and more meat (mostly, when Derek is home cooking he makes more meat dishes). I don't like beef or red meat, so I'm not that far gone, but we've eaten more fish and ground turkey than I'd like. I've developed more coping mechanisms with my awareness. My days at work are very strict - my raw green smoothie (2 liters of pureed kale/collards, strawberries, hemp seeds, chia seeds, walnuts, 1 banana, water), raw vegetable & hummus and a cold unsweetened black tea/coconut milk drink (I make it and bring it to work). Since summertime and Jenna's birthday, dairy icecream was back in the house, which is unusual for us.  I've also been snacking on very ripe mangoes & oranges. At one point, I was bringing & eating a small container of fresh raspberries each day at work. I arrived back into town from Sunriver on the 4th of July at about 7-8pm by myself and so had to stop by the store to pick up Tuesday's work foods. When I came home from work last night, I had an Amy's pesto veggie pizza and 2 glasses of wine. My hands are always so tight the day after eating a frozen pizza, presumably from the salt. While at Sunriver for a few days, I ate a lot of SAD foods. I even gave myself acid reflux after eating at a truck stop and having fried tater tots & a burned gardenburger. Today, from my wine & pizza last night, I have a headache and my gut is generally unhappy with last week's diet. This morning, after coffee, I made a kale smoothie with frozen cherries and sans walnuts. I decided to go grocery shopping in late morning because the kids & Derek are coming home and there isn't any fresh food in the house.

Part of the interruption in food and running routines are attributed to vacations & entertaining as well. We had a visitor for a week just prior to leaving for Sunriver and Derek will be leaving again tomorrow or Friday for a few days as well. Working full time and sneaking in all these extra activities is a perfect set up for major interruptions in lifestyle routines. Nobody wants to serve Fuhrman foods to guests, because it's not all that tasty to the untrained taste buds.

Frankly, I don't feel well today because of my crappy lifestyle as of late. No better time to get back on track than today. I didn't run this morning, preferred sleep. Now, it's slated to be 81 degrees by 5pm. The funny part is that I'm literally like 10 miles away from my 500 miles runing goal for 2016. I will meet it very early and I should probably extend my goal and get to it. It's interesting that I fell off the wagon so short of my goal.

I am craving beans. At the grocery store, I picked up a lot of fresh vegetables and some frozen fruit/vegetables. While there, I discovered a small carton of fresh organic Turkish figs. I found a few no sugar added organic greek yogurt containers that were marked off because of near-expiration date, so I purchased those as well. I pureed them together in the vitamix with some vanilla and honey and put them in the freezer to become homemade fig & vanilla popsicles. I don't like dairy all that much, but jenna doesn't like coconut and I needed the creamy texture. In that it was my first time making homemade popsicles, I'm sure that I can substitute in coconut on the next round. I made a batch of fresh garbanzo beans for dinner tonight. I also made a few liters of iced black tea and I also saved my leftover coffee in the fridge since that is good with a bit of coconut milk.  We have 2 lb of extra firm tofu. I picked up 2 leeks and 2 cabbages to make with the tofu.

I'm learning more about myself and so my "failures," in regards to my diet & lifestyle habits are actually becoming learning opportunities and becoming shorter and less damaging.

I picked up some entertaining lights at Fred Meyer this morning to put up in the sunroom. I love the sunroom now. I'm already eyeing the kitchen renovation opportunities.

It's calling. Again.

It's been a busy month, but all with good stuff. Darin's surgery went off without a hitch. There were several days at home that he suffered from leg pain and since he didn't like taking the narcotic medication it was challenging. His skin is sensitive and so he experienced on and off rashes for the duration of his hospital stay, topping it with an itchy hive like reaction to an antibiotic on the day of discharge. I was just glad to be discharged home so soon from the hospital. He still wears his cast, but  that, along with his staples, will be removed in about 5 days. His knee has regained some mobility. It's still rough for him to not be able to walk. He's mobile with a variety of devices - walkers, crutches or wheelchairs (we have 2 for some reason!). Mostly, because it has been so long since he has walked. I can only imagine what not walking might feel like and yet I don't want to imagine it at all.

Derek is now home and no longer working. That has been the biggest stress relief of all. I do believe that most of my stressors in our lifestyle are gone now that he's home. I no longer need to stress over working full time and caring for the pets (we have 3 cats, a dog and a tortoise) & house by myself for a week at a time. In my opinion, I think our lives have improved tremendously in many ways since he's been home. He's worked 1 week away in the past 4-5 and that has made all the difference. I know that he gave up a lot. He gave up a huge identifying piece of himself and he did it for us. Financially, it never made a huge difference in our lives because we had to replace his absence with in home childcare. I could never be home by the time most childcare institutions closed. We also withdrew Emma from doggy daycare and now we walk her to the bus stop daily as well as take her on our weekend trips.

The past 2 weeks my running mileage has reduced somewhat because of life. This past week I only ran 10 miles, although it's possible I might be able to squeeze in another 5 today and call it an even 15. I rowed the kayak/canoe for 2 hours on Sunday, so I had sore arms the first part of the week and I was also exhausted. Last week I ran 15 miles. The 2 weeks before I was at 0 miles per week with a horrible adenovirus. Now, however, I'm running faster and I don't have injury when I run. When I run faster, I feel my abs getting tired. I don't really have abs, but I do have flabs. I've noticed my abs tiring at the end of my run the past 2 weeks with my faster runs. A light bulb has gone  off - maybe I will get more abdominal tone with running faster! I've never had a non-flabby set of abs. I never thought of running as a way to get a stronger core.

Last night I came home from work and walked over to the neighbor's house. We are making friends with our neighbors. I like all the neighbors we've met, a stark difference from where we lived last year. Last year, the neighbors liked us more than I liked them. Jenna received her first job - watering outdoor plants for the neighbor 2 doors down. He called on us because he is the son in law of the people who lived in our house.  Then, the neighbor on the other side of him saw Jenna watering the plants and asked if she would feed their outdoor cat and get their mail when they leave, too LOL The neighbors across the street have been bugging us about coming over on a Friday night to get to know each other and so that finally came to fruition last night. The dad was born & raised in Pakistan but came to America for education. That man should be a comedian because he is so hilarious. The mom is a teacher here in our school districts and they have 2 boys. They are a funny, casual family. We had a good time and left for home late at 10pm.

While managing my booked schedule on Friday afternoon in the office, a representative from admin comes down and waits for me.  I was running an outpatient NST triage and evaluation for the afternoon, having been booked with back to back NSTs for high risk patients, along with their prenatal visits in about 3 rooms.  It gets overwhelming for my MA sometimes, who I adore, but for me it's just more fun. The acuity is never high. After all, I'm in an office. Not a good sign to see admin waiting on the sidelines (historically, anyways), however.  She tells me that she was told to privilege me for the hospital and that she had done most of my paperwork. I have a big packet of information, but I just needed to sign in a few places, get a picture taken and then give it back to her. I peeked into the packet and. Yes. It's to receive medical staff privileges at the hospital.

I guess it had been decided at some point that I will be catching babies.

And, somebody else filled in my paperwork. Even my references, from my application to my current employer, were all changed over to the physicians I work for now, some of who sit on the same board at the hospital for privileging.

It seemed to happen as mysteriously as the chief OB finding me on a random Friday a few months ago to ask if I would be willing, for them, to consider returning to deliveries. The group is a little overwhelmed and patients are asking.

They haven't had a delivering midwife on staff with them before. If I had to make an educated guess, I would say that some of the physicians are nervous about it, but I do know that they all stand joint in their decision making. I know this and I feel safe. I hope I can help them.

My midwife certification is up for renewal at the end of this year. I have a few modules left and I'll be ready to go. What a variety of experiences I have had since my transition from L&D RN to now.  I've experienced a variety of practice types, from small OB/GYN owned & high medicalized, home birth apprenticeship, a midwife run FQHC practice that performed waterbirth and care to refugees, centering prenatal care model, opening an independent hospital based practice in a highly institutionalized environment and also jump starting a brand new centering program. All the while, providing care to women & newborns no matter what culture or location. This practice has afforded me the exposure to high volume, high risk patients and to really fine tune my gynecological office procedures (IUDs, EMBs, skin biopsies). The high volume has given me exposure to more statistically unlikely results such as cancer. I have learned a lot more about HPV related cancers, endometrial cancers and breast cancers simply from exposure.  I continue to learn, as now I have more exposure to high risk prenatal patients, with adequate OB/GYN supervision & management.

I have spent the past few months becoming aware of what job opportunities are coming open and closing around me, thinking about doctorate level preparation, leaving nursing altogether, pursuing my real estate license on evenings & weekends, evaluating other specialties of advanced practice such as FNP or ANP (but without the critical care background which I believe puts me at a severe disadvantage safety wise). All the while, my certifications are needing renewal within the next 6 mos and my inpatient certifications (ACLS, NRP) have expired over all of this. These are easy to renew. I've been certified with those for almost 20 yrs and it's just a class or two.

I am young, but I do believe I'm feeling somewhat older. I have a little less fire & zest.  I didn't always accept some of my experiences with gratitude. They have been hard earned, but they were offered to me and I accepted them. The women & children I've served have always been my greatest reward in and of themselves. They enrich my life. They continue to seek my care. I routinely get asked to deliver and I have been thanked for being there for them t/o their prenatal care. It's a hard profession to walk away from, because it's more than a career. It's a calling.

And, they are calling.

Passionate about beans.

I was pretty sure that I was uninterested in taking pictures from iphones anymore. I really intended to bring the regular camera for the piano concert. Even though Jenna is 11, the piano concert was short and was filled mostly with younger children. We were overprepared for our mother/daughter piano duet, although it was really a sweet time to play together. We really had to cram in our practice because I had procrastinated and then didn't account for falling ill the week prior to the concert. It was a very special Mother's Day weekend overall, however. Derek purchased a few kayak/canoe hybrids and I think they will be very useful for our family.  We won't need to rely on foot mobility to go wild places.

The last I wrote, I had a sore throat. I'm glad I didn't know what was yet to come. The sore throat lasted for several days, followed by high fevers on & off for several more days, followed by bilateral conjunctivitis for several more days (unresponsive to antibacterial drops of course). It has been 10 days since I have run. I am not coughing near as much, but when I do I still cough up stuff. Not sure I want to wind it back to the lungs with a run quite yet. I'm just sure it was an adenovirus, but I was more sick than I can remember in awhile. My period tried to come at the beginning of it all and then mysteriously disappeared and has reappeared in the last day or two.

No word on whether I'll be catching babies again. Sounds like the group hasn't decided to take any steps forward with it and I'm not pressing on it. I don't think I want to do it badly enough, although it calls to me most everyday.

It's a Wednesday and I'm supposed to have it "off," but the tasks around the house had built up as it's Derek's last week out of town. I've made some kidney beans for the week from dry. Today, I purchased 50 pounds of organic pinto & black beans for $90. Great deal !

Cause I feel passionate about eating beans.

Signing up for fluency in life

So, Shriner's Hospital is essentially holding Darin in his disability right now. I'm not thrilled. I'm sure this will be resolved soon. It's just tough having to be in a position where Derek and I spend many hours a week navigating medical systems so that Darin can be well. It turns out that Shriner's hospital must deem Darin's need for surgery as less urgent, looking to fit him in for surgery in August. Now, we are back at the pediatrician's office looking for a script for a new leg. But, then, they just called me and said, "nevermind - we are able to fit in him in May." End of May, Darin will have surgery. This means that he will miss his orchestra concerts.

It's sunny outside, my day off and my throat feels like razor blades. Darin had a fever, sore throat and was generally unwell this past weekend and now his symptoms have moved to a dry cough and conjunctivitis. Looks like an adenovirus to me. I don't have a fever, just sore throat & fatigue. When I awoke for work yesterday, I just couldn't bring myself to run. After working all day, I felt like I could do at least 3 miles when I arrived home and ended up running 5 miles yesterday evening. I was so tired I didn't even eat dinner - just drank water and went to bed.

It was about December when my MA told me that she was pregnant with another surrogacy. She was about to get her 20 week OB U/S. I thought I had known her unpregnant, but I never did, since I started my job in September. We have been working closely together and discussing her pregnancy since then. She is having her delivery on Cinco De Mayo. Just weeks away now. She will be on a recovery leave until early July. To my surprise, yesterday my nanny divulged that she, too, was due at the same time and will be delivering in the next 2-4 weeks. Apparently, I never knew my nanny unpregnant, or any babysitter we've had while living here so far!

Speaking of pregnancy, our medical group had the meeting where it was discussed that I'd be willing to get medical privileges again and start deliveries. The group let out a sigh of relief and thanked me for that consideration. I had three OB patients last week ask me if I deliver, inquiring about whether they can switch care to me. The main OB physician is out of town now for another week and so when she returns I'll ask her for a time line. I'm sure they would be happy if I'd start sooner rather than later and I am in agreement. I was generally uplifted in that meeting and I had those warm, fuzzy feelings when I left. I honestly almost cried out of sheer relief and happiness.

Since I will be looking for another nanny, it looks like we might have different needs, as well. This changes how much we offer to pay as well. A schedule is crucial to all involved.

A lot of moving parts, as usual. Hard to advertise for a new position when I don't know what I need, but I'm sure that can be sorted out with some additional communication with work.

We are slated to begin kitchen renovation this summer. I have been more interested in renovation than ever, but with all the home/work changes it's taken a backburner. We will get a refund of half of our security deposit, the rental company having retained our deposit as our "lease break" fee. That turned out to be a lot cheaper than we anticipated in severing our lease on the rental house. We cleared inspection and we were essentially granted to keep our security deposit in entirety.

The focus of most of our energy, as of late, has been Darin's mobility and psychiatric wellness. While he still has moods of tension, the Ritalin has improved many aspects of Darin's life. The teacher told OHSU, "he went from a good student to a model student."  He underwent neuropsychiatric testing at OHSU that was comprehensive and multi disciplinary. The team reviewed the results with us, which took an hour. Darin is at or above age level in all criteria measured (social, cognitive functioning, academic performance, etc), except for math and attentiveness. He scored "superior" in math and "under expectations" on attentiveness. He doesn't fit all criteria for ADD nor ADHD. Our diagnosis was not changed much, other than he seems to have an "emotional dysregulation," which is a new manual diagnosis this year. The recommendation from this academic center was that the better management of his mood that can be obtained, the better his cognitive functioning will be. Once school is over, I think it's reasonable to d/c his tutoring and then restart in September to give him a good start to the new school year.

His mobility has been an issue as he is on crutches or in a wheelchair while the medical system figures out whether he needs a new leg or surgery first. We got a disability hangar for the car so that we can park closer, which has been a tremendous help. I never thought about the importance of having extra room on each side of the car so that the wheelchair can be brought to the side of the car, but this really makes a difference! We have been providing transportation for him every Wednesday so that he can still attend orchestra practice. His wound is intact, pink and healthy again. No pain. As a family, we have learned to find ways to have fun where we don't or can't walk. For example, walking on the beach is not possible with a wheelchair or crutches. Instead, we go where wheelchairs can go, which is actually many places. We have also decided that kayaking would be a really fun activity and Darin agrees. Activities we have traditionally known such as walking on the beach, camping in the wilderness, hiking, community runs, etc are not good choices for now. I choose not to think of it as a limitation or disability, since these experiences only enrich and engage us. If we are fortunate, Darin will be fitted for a new leg and will walk or even run again.

Ever since we treated Emma and her ear abscess, she has been a good dohg. It wasn't until the dog daycare chirped that she wasn't being a good dog that we realized what a good dog she really is! We have been taking her on our weekend outings the past few weeks and she has been a perfect dog. She likes being with us, no matter where we go. She no longer has car motion sickness either.

I guess it's difficult to think about my children as being smart or not smart, because we never compare them to others. We move so often that it would be difficult to compare even if we wanted to. I quickly stopped comparing my firstborn to other children the same age because Jenna was woefully behind in all motor skills except verbal. Her first unassisted sitting & moving came simultaneously. She started doing a "crab crawl" on her first birthday - she would scoot her butt and use one leg while sitting. She never crawled. She didn't walk unassisted until 16 mos (shakily). She only weighed 17# at 1 year old. Jenna was always "behind," when I would compare to other babies, so I stopped doing that quick. I tried to reassure myself that everything was ok. Darin hit all the milestones on time and even started walking unassisted at 18 mos ... with a prosthetic and having had a major musculoskeletal surgery before he was 1!  With academic testing, inadvertently, we have learned that Darin is above or superior in skillset. Some skills were at age level. It's just weird to have a medical specialist advise us of this, especially when we were looking for brain injury LOL I just received an email from his orchestra teacher telling me that Darin is "quite talented at the violin." In Jenna's state testing, her bars are most always at the very top and she has always fallen in the top categories, no matter what state we are in. We recycle those score sheets. I try to pay no mind to it.  As I've learned as a parent, it's not about how smart or not smart the kids are, but how capable they are of achieving happiness. I worry for Darin's self esteem and so I believe it's imperative that he can see past his leg and see the possibilities for his life.

I am also learning to navigate what it means to parent children with different needs. Sometimes I believe that I fail them as a parent, because the kids are so capable of most anything they set their minds to achieving. It's my job, probably, to expose them to various skills, to challenge them and to think about ways to satisfy their inquiring minds. Jenna, at 6th grade, would be perfect for an entry level college class on Spanish, as she told me that she signed up for Spanish as an elective for next year. 

If she learns Spanish as fast as she learned the piano and guitar, she will be fluent before next year begins.

I'm the slowest in the group

I presume that the only reason there aren't more sports for our 6th graders is because of lack of school funding. Next year, Jenna will have access to a bigger variety. This year, the only sport available to 6th graders is track & field. She didn't want to do it. I encouraged her to give it a try for a few weeks and when I met resistance I stopped the encouragement. To my surprise, she applied.

The first day was full of:

"I don't like it," and "I'm the slowest one in the group"

"The coach said to give it 80% but if I really gave it 80% it wouldn't even look like I was running with the same group!"

Yesterday:

"My shins hurt ... bad!"

"I don't like it"

"I fell over the hurdle today and it really hurt!"

"everything is so sore ... I can't move!"

"I'm so slow!"

She looks at herself in this group of  track & field participants and sees herself coming in last. I look at a school full of 6th thru 8th grader kids that aren't participating at all.  I know she won't quit - because she is already looking at the meet dates & times. I have had lots of encouraging talks with her about how the body will respond in the next 2 weeks and it won't always be so hard. Jenna opted not to participate in the National Honor Society, "because of all the extra work," but opted to enroll and be tested in TAG. She believes the TAG program will give her access to more challenging math classes. She complains of boredom. She excels in all subjects and so I wonder how to get her access to courses that will inspire her.

We got a handicap permit to park closer so that when Darin is on crutches or dropped off to school in his wheelchair. This has improved the difficulty for sure. He will have major surgery beginning of May. Pressure wound is mostly healed, we are down to the single last epithelial layer. Today, he opted to wear his leg. It's not about pain, so he says. It's about keeping the pressure wound intact and as healed as possible. It was necrotic and not in good condition but it has come a long way. He lost his violin book so after buying him another one, I found his old one stashed in Jenna's music books. Now, he has two.  Darin had extensive neuropsychiatric testing a week or two ago and we will go together to receive results next week. Ritalin has improved his performance at school. After a violent outburst, I grounded him from electronic devices (ipad and computer) for 1 month. We are nearing the time when he will be granted access to those devices again and I will limit both kids to no more than 2 hrs per day. If that doesn't go well, we will remove them permanently. Darin has done very well with not having electronics, I partially think because he seems to understand the gravity of his actions. He has been building all kinds of lego creations.  We are paying a lot of money for him to have tutoring after school (3 times per week). I hope that all of these interventions and support will keep him on a good track for success in his life. It's our goal that Darin can find happiness and success in life. His appetite was very suppressed at the beginning of the ritalin therapy, but it has steadily improved and now he's back to eating 3 meals per day.  He has dropped some of the excess weight around his mid section, that seemed to begin about 1 year after prozac usage. Darin's energy is also amazingly improved.  Insomnia comes and goes.

Which brings me to my own version of happiness and success. I was forced to call out sick yesterday because our nanny didn't come to work (kidney stones, she says). She has been reliable until this point. With Derek leaving town, I didn't have a choice because we don't have a back up trained well enough to drop off and pick up and be a taxi. Today is  a busy day for the kids because Jenna has school, track, piano lessons and her day doesn't end until 6pm. Darin had orchestra practice before school, school, tutoring x 1 hr and needs to accompany us to Jenna's lessons.

Last Friday, I was informed at pick up that Emma was mean and even mean "when unprovoked." I was told she gets one more chance this coming week to improve or she might not be able to come back. Upon inspecting her closer that evening, it was discovered that she had a full thickness ear puncture wound with an abscess. No wonder Emma didn't feel like playing and was grouchy. I didn't appreciate the comment on Friday from the doggy daycare, where she has been going for 6 months without a concern. The comment wasn't out of concern for Emma's change in behavior, but was flippant and dismissive. In the past month or more, I haven't liked the way she was treated by one of the staff members when she gets dropped off or picked up. I know that Emma jumps and it's annoying, but the one staff member (who I actually think is the owner), kicks her back and yells at her. To put this in perspective, I pay $400/month for Emma to go there during the daytime only for 3 times per week.  I have started watching this behavior over the past month or so and so this comment last Friday by that same staff member, now in light of Emma's medical condition, leads me to believe that the doggy daycare might not be the safest and best place for Emma during the day anyhow. I was never even alerted that she was in a dog fight but clearly from the full thickness puncture wound she was. I'm not the most satisfied customer. It's difficult thinking of how to fill this gap, without hiring somebody else to come mid-day. Derek bathed Emma and cleaned out the wound and we have been applying antibiotic ointment since, which has vastly improved the wound.

I'm kind of tired of hiring people, especially when I feel like the quality is low.  While the part time nanny person is dependable, it's no surprise that she has a kidney stone. She makes low quality meals and, for awhile, was taking the kids out everyday for processed drinks of some kind (Jumba juices, coffee milkshakes, etc). Those drinks, when in 16 oz, can harbor at least 300+ unusable calories which was of concern to me when Darin had a poorer appetite. She is generally in poor health, although young, and has poor eating habits. Jenna seems to bring it up often and it's actually been a good point for discussion and education when she brings it up. I asked the nanny to stop taking the kids out for these foods and she has honored my wishes. She has given Jenna a hard time about the seaweed snacks she was eating and refuses to make fish sticks or fish fillets because she, herself, doesn't like the way fish smells. She doesn't come with any agenda on full days off - she comes in right to the minute on-time, sits on the couch and opens her laptop.  I would like to have a person with pep and energy and come to work with my kids on their agenda. I'm still not sure how she will get Darin dropped off with his wheelchair because I don't think her car has a hatchback.

Oh, yes. Happiness and success. I haven't heard anymore from my employer about expanding my role out of the office. Whatever the decision the group makes, it will be a big change (twice as many doctors vs. development of midwifery services to supplement their medical care). Those big decisions take time to sort through. I am grateful for the time. I'm in no hurry to return to inpatient care, but the since the door was creaked open, I've been exploring all options. 

Ironically, I have been looking for ways out of a full time job.

I briefly perused the different types of jobs available with the education and experience I have, looking for something like travel, that would give me the option to work for 1 month and take 2 months off. An ideal situation where I can make my schedule.  I would love to say, "I'm not working in May," and be so needed that I can return for another adventure or contract when the timing is better. I happened upon the local birth center that is looking for a new CNM and discovered that my labor nurse for Darin, also a person I considered my friend, now has a DNP and is working at the birth center. I want to make contact and say, "hello." What would be the chances? Although I would get an opportunity to work in a satisfying birth culture, the hours would indeed be long in that environment as well.

Growing increasingly dissatisfied with the routine work schedule's effect on my personal life, I have started playing with the numbers. My personal life is particularly busy because of the medical specialty appointments necessary to keep Darin on track. I also can't even fathom paying so much money for a dog service where I get a grouchy, injured dog out of it. We all deserve better, really.

Derek says I get restless when I get bored. I wonder if that is what is at bay, or if I'm really just a few feet from flying in a different direction? I guard any changes in employment, quite yet, because I don't think I have all the information I need.

I have learned something new in the last 1 year. I wanted a particular professional track so badly that I gave everything for it. When it wasn't a good fit, I failed to recognize it. I held on so tight, demanding that my endeavor would be a success. I reorganized my life, moved back home (forced). For the first time in many years, I stopped seeking. Right now, I don't have professional goals. I maintain, which requires quite a few hours as well. Despite maintaining & developing some newer skills & outpatient procedures, my inpatient delivery skills quietly slip away each month.

Is this the end of my professional world? I tell myself no. There are only a million other directions I can go. Go for my doctorate, get my ANP or FNP certification/degree, go back to L&D nursing, try travel positions, learn hospice nursing or even take 1 year off and try to get myself together.  The twine frayed upon my return home.

I have started looking into how to own a second home near the beach. Specifically, near a beach entrance. If I wasn't working so hard in nursing, I could work on our kitchen and work on a beach house. I could be available when the kids are available, participate in their lives as a parent. When I dream, it's dangerous for us.

I tell myself that lots of families have two working parents. April will be the first month where we won't have to pay rent on top of mortgage. It's this week that I plan to restart maximizing payments to our roth IRAs.  Our efforts to "stay on course," have helped in that we have essentially free healthcare for us and the kids whether we are working or not. We also have Derek's pension and now his disability pay. It's not enough to cover our bills, but we are close to rebuilding what we needed to remove to make this untimely move back to Oregon.

I'm so happy to be home. Back home in Oregon. Really, it's everything I needed and who knew I would need this course to return?

Am I so unhappy with the routines that I break away and change course, before we have built up a safe monetary nest? Do I put our quality of life first and make the jump, without fear, while harboring the faith that we will land where we are meant to be? If I dropped everything, would I be able to redirect myself to another source of income or another career? Would I find ... "more?" I don't think a single person looking in at our situation would find it unreasonable to have a parent at home dedicated to Darin's mission. 

I have on and off days with my hip. Some weeks are terrible and some weeks now show that my stamina, endurance -- and hip -- are improving. This week my hip only weakly complains. In January, after only running for the 3 months prior, I decided - rather randomly - that a 25 mi per week running routine would be ideal. I never dreamed that going from 20 to 25 miles/wk would bring me the hip pain that it did. April comes in a few days. I don't want to expand my mileage per week because of my healthy fear of injury. This past week, to ease the boredom but prevent injury, I've been increasing the incline on the treadmill. It brings my attention back to working harder and before I know it the run is over.

I used to have my professional identity tied into my identity as a person. These two created a self esteem. I have learned to untie the two. I am not afraid of "not being." I now know that I can do whatever I set my mind to and that my ability to achieve success is self-defined. I want to pursue bigger questions - am I happy? Am I healthy? Am I balanced? Do I have peace?

When I pick up the mean "unprovoked," family dog and walk in the door nearing 7pm to a messy house, dirty dishes from a low quality dinner and tired children, after having worked dark-to-dark and missing the rare sunshine entirely, I ask myself big questions. I pay out "everyone," who has helped make this schedule a success and then turn around do it all over again. Financially, starting in April, we should start reaping what we are sowing.

I guess I just wonder if there is another way. Can I work a month and take a month off? Can I pursue a new hobby or career? Can I return to birth or should I? We have spent several years working really hard and now that we are both at "new," jobs we aren't afforded enough time off. We are both experienced in our fields, but because of new jobs we are tied down. I don't have more than 2 weeks total time for the year and I'm sure that I will use this time during Darin's surgery. That means no vacation for me. Heck, I'm taking my first "sick day," today and I'm not even sick. Between the kids & nanny, life has taught me that I literally don't have the time to be sick. I have to use it for others. Derek isn't even allowed to tap into PTO time because he hasn't been at his position long enough.

I guess I just have a wandering mind. When I don't think too hard, I find myself - with my family - in Hawaii working as a travel midwife. Sometimes, I am in North Carolina on the coast. Or, I find myself ripping up old carpet and pulling out counter tops and replacing them with granite. And, then, I'm talking about how grand the experiences really were.

But wouldn't those experiences be maximizing my potential or am I just day dreaming again? If neither of us worked and we wanted a comfortable lifestyle w/ savings, we only need $3k per month. Something inside of me says I can make this happen in a much less stressful way.

I told the Devil that he had genital herpes

I'm tired tonight. Not tired like I've-spent-the-past-1-week-on-call-tired, but both God and the Devil have spoken to me the past 24 hours.

I swear that the night before last I heard a very creepy voice, over the phone. I was calling a patient about her test results, at work, and I reached the Devil instead. I wanted to discuss with the patient that she had genital herpes, but I might as well have told the Devil. I'm sure there was a reasonable explanation, but when I called the patient I reached an under the sea sounding garbled man's voice who, through purposeful heavy breathing and static, told me he knew where I lived (with chuckles). I hung up. Bravely, I called back the same number and I got the voicemail of the patient I was intending to reach and so I asked her to return my call in the morning.

Today, I had a normal day at work. Lunch time, I was approached by the director. With her somewhat stern face, PTSD settled into its well worn seat and I prepared myself for the worst.  She discussed with me that, well, they were swamped as a practice and looking for solutions. Would I be interested in taking call and doing deliveries & first assist at the hospital with the doctor on-call? If so, would I require more midwives? They were tossing around the idea vs. hiring several more doctors. They feel like I'm a safe starting point because they know me and I'm easy.

I've had this conversation with the director while running on my treadmill many times. I wanted to respond, "I thought you'd never ask." That might have sounded unusual and strange and so I responded appropriately instead. I have some questions to ask myself. Deep ones.

The calling to be a midwife is both a curse and a blessing.  The decision on whether to return or not to inpatient care is similar to the experience of being on L&D. It's hot and it's cold. It's frightening and amazing.  It's tiring and exhilarating. I feel so fortunate to have a calling and to know of it. I was fortunate to be born with a calling. It's not an easy calling to fulfill.

What is a calling and why do I feel it? I have come to know it as a calling, although at one time I didn't know what to call the feeling. It started in my late teens when I just "knew" I wanted to be a labor & delivery nurse.

In other news, Darin can't walk. He has worn the bottom of his skin under his tibia to black and now it's breaking down. He's wheelchair bound, only we don't have a wheelchair. We need to get one. His surgery is likely scheduled for May/June, per our update, and so we need to get him in to see the prosthetist ASAP. We will work on that this week. He had a violent outbreak late last week and he has been okay since. He lost the privilege of having electronics for making poor decisions. I have become suspicious of the role electronics play in his outbursts, so I have grounded him for 1 month. Overall, he has been doing his homework 100% since we combined both Ritalin & tutoring after school. No marks and 2 spontaneous e-mails from his teacher on Darin's significant improvement in school are an improvement. He has read an entire novel and is working on his second one this past week. 

Jenna has been at the piano like wildfire. I pulled out my great grandmother and grandmother's music and I also played this past weekend. She is learning the same theories and songs that I did and she is even playing my old songs from my music books. I saw my childhood piano teacher's markings, guidance with theory and the songs she wrote that we purchased. When I heard that she passed from brain cancer many years ago, I felt sad at the time. I felt sad again this past weekend as I reviewed all the stickers I won, the marks she made and the work I completed. We laughed at my great grandmother's music, with random magazine pictures falling out as we sorted. I felt sad, too, about my grandmother's recent passing. Somehow, her great granddaughter was playing the music that she played as a young adult. Something struck in me, as Jenna and I fought for playing time. 

I'm living in a new house this week. I am adjusting to new routines. I'm running in the garage. The left hip bursitis seemed to be less noticeable, even having two painless runs, but then I pushed the pace the last 2 days. The bursitis is at a moderate discomfort, but not as severe as when I first started. It's a somewhat chronic feeling now. I have a click in the left hip when I lift my leg. No amount of rotation seems to reduce the painless click that is just on that side.  I'm running 25 miles per week and I have been since the end of January.

Weird to think that I run 100 miles a month.

I took today off to heal the bursitis somewhat. I'll be back at it tomorrow, though, pending prosthetist appointments and school pick up/drop offs/tutoring and piano lessons.

Long list of work to get done

These images are terrible quality because I am still looking for my SD card to put in my camera. It's 8:25am and I'm taking a moment to blog. Really, this moment would be better spent "working," on unpacking and organizing, I'm sure. The only time I've taken for myself has been on the treadmill and running on the treadmill is work. I ran only 20 miles of my normal 25 miles last week, because I decided that running 5 miles the day of moving would render me less useful with a weekend of moving boxes.  I was exhausted Monday morning and we were still in the process of finding stuff we needed to get on with the week and so I elected to run Monday evening after work and then back to backed it with running Tuesday morning. When I saw my assistant on Tuesday I told her, "I've run 10 miles since I saw you yesterday afternoon!" On Monday evening, I was expecting an easy run because I had not run for 2 days. Instead, my legs felt like bricks and even though I was level I felt like I was running uphill. It was a weird sensation.  The treadmill is work because on the treadmill my mind wanders and I sort through all kinds of issues. I am pretty sure that I have more energy during my non running hours. My left hip bursitis is still there, seems milder than it was when it first started. No SI joint pain this week. I am still wondering when the hip will completely heal. It seemed really unstable there for a few weeks.

Darin is really improved on the Ritalin. It's significant in that the teacher has written twice to tell me "what a different student he is," and thanks me for helping him stay on track. I enrolled him in Sylvan tutoring so that we don't need to fight about homework anymore. I keep pushing the responsibility back on him to perform, with no wiggle room to lie, stash or deviate from expectations. It's a tight ship. Clearly, some of Darin's issues have been with ADD. To think that he/we had to live this long with such a treatable condition that went untreated is almost unfathomable. The only reason we tried this medication is because I pushed for a trial. I have asked three child psychiatrists for a trial of a medication for ADD/ADHD and none of them would consider it. They all said that his tension would likely ramp up. We have  a resident physician at OHSU who listened and guided us through that process and trial. Because of our teamwork and all of us putting in as much effort as possible to improve Darin's quality of life, he is better. 

The regular babysitter, although dependable, hasn't performed stellar so far this week. To her credit, the poor thing walked in to a new address, miscellaneous boxes everywhere, a house that on the inside is much less impressive than the rental we were in (by appearance), new pick up and drop off school routines, etc. She forgot to ensure Darin had his medication Tuesday morning and so by the time I picked him up later that day he was wound up like an 8 day clock. I made a poor decision to medicate him on the spot, so the Ritalin just kept him up all. night. long. He's tired this morning and so he was crabbier than normal. She also got donuts for herself and the kids and buys them lots of sugary drinks at coffee shacks and whatnot. Ironically, she undercooked the cauliflower and so it wasn't that tasty. The end result is that the kids ate donuts & sugary drinks and not much nutrition. I still have a box of three donuts on the kitchen counter that I'll throw out today. Nutrition is paramount because Darin's appetite is significantly suppressed while on Ritalin. One thing I have learned in this investigative process is that Darin is very smart.

Both of my kids are very smart. I can talk about it in my blog because this is a safe place without judgment. My kids are so smart that it's spooky at times. 

Today is Wednesday and I have a long list of things I'd like to get done.  I want to continue working on making this house a home. There are some aspects that I am falling in love with. We have downsized our home and our life. I have a feeling that our lives won't be as complicated anymore.  I can say that I really believe we will have a chance to become safe and to prosper. There are things that are really growing on me about this house. The sunroom has so much potential. The layout is nice here. The backyard is landscaped nicely for use. This house is so light because there are windows everywhere. I'm really very eager to renovate and I look forward to that process.

The cats love this house. Since we have moved in, cats have been ricocheting off couches, walls and other surfaces. Mo and Kitty have become the best of friends and play all night long. Kitty has really come out of her shell - she is no longer the shy kitty. She is definitely the most shy of all the kitties in our house, but she has transformed. She seems very content. None of the cats seemed traumatized by this move - they have been exploring to all ends.  I am sure glad that I offered to try and home my grandma's kitty because I know that we have given her a good life.

As much as I'd like to continue blogging, I really need to get my chores done. Time flies by and I have a long list of work to get done.

It's a Wednesday

Kitty is here preventing me from typing. She has attached herself to me so that when I sit I am bombarded with requests for pets. Requests come in the form of lightly clawed taps, biting, licking, rubbing.

As of last Saturday, I had run 50 miles in a 2 week span. I would like to say that I ended on a strong stride, but instead I essentially hobbled to the finish line. I ran on a developing left hip bursitis the remaining three days. After 2 days of rest, it seemed incredibly better so yesterday morning before work I decided to try running again only with less mileage and slower. The run aggravated it and so here I am today. I took some ibuprofen and I will probably run again today but decide whether 3 or 4 miles will be ran at the time of the run. I don't anticipate pulling the usual 5.

Today is a Wednesday when I don't have anything scheduled, other than usual kid drop offs and pick ups. I was busy from dark to dark with only 1 day off in a 2 week period (also having received and processed another cold in the middle, running 50 miles, etc) since I used last Wednesday to take Darin to Shriner's Portland and I also had a dental procedure the same morning. I think my face was numb for approximately 7 hrs. With a numb face, I helped Darin get his xrays and participate in a discussion regarding the surgeon's assessment that Darin needs the surgery we have all been dreading: the straightening of the leg and reinforcement of the knee. It's not a single procedure, since eventually the metal plates they will put in his knee will need to be removed. Since this surgeon practices at Shriner's, a hospital that cares for children regardless of ability to pay, we are on the waiting list. I wouldn't choose another surgeon, so we will wait. Estimations tell us that we will probably be notified that it's our turn in approx 8 weeks. Darin won't be able to bear weight for awhile afterward and he will need to use a wheelchair. This means that we need to get moved into the "new" house straight away, because it has wide doors. We picked a single level home for many reasons, but one main one is that a single level is good for disabilities, the old & the young. I worked last Saturday in a computer class required for the new EMR transition (which we started this week at work) and came home and ran. Sunday, I couldn't get off the couch and slept all morning and then Derek and I went to Portland for adult time.

I went to the grocery store this morning after dropping off the kids at school. I got some lunch stuff, veggies for the soup that I'll make myself today, fresh staples for smoothies, etc. I also want to make the kids an after school snack for when they get home. In line, the checker said, "so ... you must get your meat elsewhere?" I bought a set of tofus while there, because they last awhile and it's always easy to throw together a broccoli or cabbage stir fry. I told her that I buy my beans in dry bulk online. We don't eat meat. I also would like to phase out cheese, since the only person eating it as a snack is Jenna, besides the occasional grilled cheese /cold cheese sandwich on the weekends for both kids. I also don't like buying processed food, another reason to cut cheese out. I'm not alone. The other NPs at the office are very nutrition-conscious and about half of the physicians are as well. At least half of my patient complaints are about "what is causing me to gain weight." We talk a lot about exercise and diet routines, but I think that many women expect to stay healthy without attention to nutrition and exercise habits.

I was thinking of enrolling the the Cornell University online course on plant based nutrition. Prevention of chronic disease has always been an interest of mine. I don't want the standardized American R.D. program, which will have me spitting out the same nutritional advice that got us all here to begin with. I'm surprised that I kicked the cold to the curb after about 5 days as I had fears I would be back into a cycle of chronic URI symptoms that plagued my December 2015.  Today, my only complaint is an overworked left hip.

Today I will also call to enroll Jenna into the NW School of Music for lessons. She has firmly chosen to go with piano for now, even though we all enjoy her guitar/singing at home on a regular basis. This same school also offers guitar lessons. Jenna is going to a dance this Friday with her friend. In talking with her last night, it isn't that that she isn't well liked at school, it's that she doesn't necessarily feel engaged with similar interests of some of the girls. One girl wants her to come over this weekend and Jenna is going back and forth about it. Lack of friends? Only by choice, perhaps. She wants a few girls who are close, not a lot who aren't. Jenna has been recruited for both the TAG program and National Junior Honor Society in the past few weeks. In my opinion, I don't think she needs either. These are labels for something we already know about Jenna. For some reason, she is academically gifted. Always has been. As a parent, where do I go from here? I don't want her to join either of these groups, but rather spend the time engaging in those activities that motivate her ... particularly those without labels.

Alternatively, Darin has gone to his second birthday party this year. Per talking with his teachers, Darin has too many friends and is well liked at school. Academically, he's unmotivated. My goal is to get him enrolled with the Sylvan Learning tutoring. He continues to play orchestra (the violin) and he enjoys it. I'm back and forth about enrolling him in martial arts. He has many medical/ behavioral appointments and so I'm not sure that adding to his schedule would be beneficial.

My schedule? It's easy to maintain, very ritualized. Days like today tell me how much I want to engage with my children in a more maternal way, but often cannot because of absence. I have not made any decisions about it. I'm somewhat paralyzed in this step. Reminders of days in career past visit me often, still. W-2's from my last position roll in, I see pregnant women often, I'm still set to move again in the next month to our permanent Oregon home, ACOG journals keep coming in the mail, offers for OB related CME's roll in, the recent transition to EPIC (a program I had used in two prior positions) brings a strange familiarity to everyday work. It hasn't even been a year since I made these career changes. I do think I've crested the hill to the other side in regards to PTSD from the previous position. I feel appreciated and valued.

Where my mind goes when it's running

My smoothies change slightly ever so often. For the last several weeks, I've added 2 TBSP of chia seeds and I've switched my nuts from walnuts to hazelnuts. Sometimes I use walnuts. Brazil nuts make the smoothie a bit too grainy tasting, but since I have them I'll use them up. At this point, my daily smoothie is 1 banana, 10 oz of frozen strawberries, water, chia seeds, nuts and one whole bunch of either kale or collards.

I'm not sure where I left off in the last blog post, since these are few and far between these days, but I'm still running. It's Wednesday and I've run 15 miles so far, probably headed for a 25 mile week. I get up at 4:25am, drink my coffee until 4:45am or so and then hit the treadmill. I'm done just in time to drink a glass of water, wake the kids and get into the shower. The hormones that fly during running are powerful. They move my gut, my stresses leak out with the sweat, my mind wanders and then focuses.

"Kitty," or my late grandmother's cat that we took in, continues to grow and adjust in our home. The family agrees that I am her favorite human in the house. Every morning, at 4:25am, she sits on my lap and pats me until she is petted. She does the same in the evening, when I have the opportunity to sit down that is. I don't sit long by myself anywhere before kitty becomes the lap cat. I never thought I'd have three cats and so kitty definitely completes our kitty family. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone but my blog that I have three cats, really, because it's not socially acceptable.

Emma goes to doggy daycare most days of the week and gets socialized and played out. She comes home and we forget she's even in the house because she is so exhausted.

Derek and I are slowly getting on top of all these medical appointments for the kids. It has been weeks of investigating, establishing and scheduling. I have three specialists left before we are caught up: Darin re establishes care with his ped orthopedic surgeon (the same one who performed his amputation at 10 mos!) at Shriners next week, Darin needs to see an ENT for his snoring and Jenna needs to see the orthodontic physician to get fitted for braces. Jenna has been grinding her teeth something terrible the past couple of years and she isn't growing out of it. They are both in counseling (Jenna for having to live with a violent sibling in the home and for her slow integration into middle school this year) and Darin is getting his usual CBT.  We have regular visits with pediatric psychiatry for Darin and also with his prosthetist. Last week Darin had use a wheelchair at school because his leg needed adjusted.

Jenna has been in guitar lessons but isn't anymore because her teacher left private lessons to pursue college teaching. Jenna has expressed desire to also learn piano, so my job today is to find her  new lessons. I'd also like to enroll Darin in an art class. It's always a shuffle with needing childcare and getting the kids to and from school with us working so many hours.

Although I think about my career (and where it's headed) often while running, I don't have very much time to make a directional move. I'm extremely grateful for moments like this one, where I can sit down and be creative for a few moments. When I run, I think about how I really miss catching babies. Although I always felt like I had a pulse on how I was performing as a professional, no matter where our moves took us, my last position was -- and still is-- perplexing to me. I was really shaken by that experience. I have been performing as best as possible at my new position, but I didn't want to really declare how I was feeling about it until my 4 month review. The review was comprehensive - coding, chart review by my peers and medical director, sitting down with the CEO, multiple anonymous surveys were sent out to various employees and returned, a full review by each of the 8 physicians I belong with, etc. I entered the CEO's big office, sat near her at the big shiny table and I felt very small after the medical director joined. In this past 1 year, meetings haven't been kind to me. The look on my face was apparently obvious, because the CEO started the meeting with the purpose of the review and then told me that all the information she had received back was exceptional. She let me read through a packet of handwritten employee reviews, including the OB/GYNs that work with me. I went through coding. The CEO & medical director agreed that they rarely see this kind of employee review without at least one constructive criticism to discuss. She said, "I am pleased. We received what you advertised yourself to be." I have already received a bonus for productivity and she said that it's also rare to see that in the first quarter of hire. Clearly, I belong here. While running, I ask myself whether I really do want to catch babies or whether it's something fantastical to dream about. I'm afraid of losing a skillset I worked so hard to become proficient in. I worry about the deeper meaning of my work and the depth of impact I have (or don't have) on others. I think about the calling that I have, that I'm not answering right now. I daydream about asking the OB/GYNs if I can share call with them once a month. I honestly don't think they would reject the offer, even though they don't like working with other community midwives.

But do I really want it? I don't have long to continue pondering the thought before I become non current. My last birth was mid July. It was a really fantastical birth to attend as a midwife, too.

Today's list is long, even though it's my day off from work. The house needs cleaned and chores need to be done to catch up. I did some grocery shopping last Sunday and so we are ok in that way for a few more days.  I'm working towards becoming routinely vegan. I have started taking a zyrtec for allergic rhinitis and it has helped slightly. Even though I'm probably the healthiest I've been in my life, I'm ironically starting to feel significantly older. My hair is thinning, my gut churns more often with mild indigestion, my bilateral finger reynauds syndrome is significantly worsening (I now wear gloves and it prevents a lot of the episodes), although more assertive than most I am also losing some of my spunk, I found my first gray hair, childbearing years are a very distant memory, my left SI joint isn't auto-repairing, dentist folks are remarking how much dental implants have changed since I had mine placed 20 yrs ago, I can ace the CPR for Healthcare Providers test that I've taken at least 10 times, etc. Sometimes, I notice all of these things at once and just when I feel ancient, I'll get ID carded again for buying wine at the grocery store or ordering a margarita at the mexican restaurant. I'll think then, not bad for 37.

By age, I am young.

I know how I spent the first 20 years of my career & life. If I am so fortunate to have my health, how will I choose to spend the next?