Well, it's pager time again. I've been enjoying that I can leave the office at 5pm or 6pm. It's fun to pretend that I have normal hours. It's not my true life - some of my best work is at night when everyone else is sleeping.
One of these evenings this past week, I finished one of Deepak Chopra's books. I went to the bookstore (mostly, to check out the bookstore for when Jenna and I want to go) and I found a few more books. I actually needed these, I discovered. It allowed me to move ahead and finish a book I've been lugging around for many months. Just 50 pages from the end, the concepts were so deep that I would only read so far. In hindsight, I think I was holding on to every last page because I didn't have anymore books to read. With two more waiting to be read, I finished it in a night. What did I take from that particular book? Happiness is possible - but only in the moment. I don't have to "work for it," or "work towards it." I only need to put myself in the moment and happiness will follow.
In practice, I've found this to be true.
It's really only when I think about my past and/or my future and/or it's relationship to my present moment when I become incapable of being happy in the moment. It's not that I have a terrible past or a terrible future, but so many different ideas about them cloud my present ability to be happy. I still find myself struggling with it - but I'm really trying to change how I live.
So, the books that are next up are "The Shadow Effect," and "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire," which are both by the same author. I've been reading self help books (or books on spirituality) for probably 15 years. I'd like to think I'm better for it - but maybe I can never be helped and it's only my age that is making me "better."
I stayed at the office until 9pm working on necessary work for our grand midwifery launch on Tuesday. Ironically, I will be the only provider in that day to see patients and I only have 3 scheduled. Honestly, this is an amazing job. Truthfully, it's dreamlike. The amount of money I earn, the way that I am catered to - I create the how and when and why, the fact that I am given my own desk with my own phone extension, my own voicemail and my own rooms. The advertisement, brochures and everything are state of the art. The physicians are supportive. I have worked so hard all my life, truthfully, I believe I can say that. I will be working hard here, too, but it helps to have worked so hard before so I know that even though things are gorgeous around me that it takes a crazy amount of dedication & weekly hours to make it all possible. I'm not under some illusion that I can sit back and demand anything. I was asked by admin to kind of help with "grounding" the other midwife a bit. Apparently, I am seen as a "grounding" provider. I really just feel grateful and overwhelmed with all that is available because I have never had it before. The other midwife, who I truthfully love (and that's saying a lot because I don't like people much at all) actually brought up the concept of "self care," in a discussion last night in relationship to keeping our hours as brief as possible when not needed kind of thing. I realized, for the first time, that she is in for an eye opening experience. I'm not saying it's not an ideal, but midwifery is a labor of love with long hours.
To say that I feel valued is probably an understatement.
We interviewed a candidate that neither one of us liked. Maybe it comes from maturity, maybe it comes from age, maybe it's just me ... but I want to hear from a midwife what she stands for, what she believes in and why she's taking the direction she's taking. To me, she was a blank slate with a brief stop at CNM. Ladder climber like.
I got my windshield replaced and it was amazing to have an intact windshield driving home (LOL - i wrote that without thinking, I don't have a home yet, I'm still in a low end motel). I got a migraine yesterday evening. I realized the pain was pretty severe when I felt no appetite. I just quickly got ready for bed and when I brushed my teeth I noticed in the mirror that my eyes were bloodshot. When I layed down to sleep, I could feel my head throbbing. I woke up this morning with just a remnant of it existing, but after my half pot of super strong coffee the pain is completely gone.
I am getting an elevated concern about the housing situation. I know I'm picky about details of a property, but I guess I'm becoming less so as I grow a bit older and realize that what matters the most to me I already have. I could step out with my neighbors next to me or I could step out with them far away, but what matters to me is: my children, my husband, my incredible work as a midwife, what I want to do in the future perhaps and my community. Property is expensive and my drive needs to be short. I feel tension as Derek and I talk about where we are going to live because I truly believe he is latched onto an idea of what he wants to live in and where that isn't going to happen. I see a brick wall coming and I can't sugar coat it. I can't say that for certain, however, so I am trying to then live in the present and be happy for the time I have. I also see that perhaps the only barrier to what he wants is me, in fact, because I am so rigidly connected to the hospital and I will have to make many trips to and back during even one 24 hr period. I won't budge on a certain time commute (it's a practicality and a safety issue for me), the school district that my children attend or paying too much for a property. In fact, if we want to pay for a plane and with two children growing to teenagerhood in the near future, I see that we will need to pay very little for our property actually in a highly desired seller's market. We will need to prioritize our needs and I see that Derek and I are actually placing some different values at top priorities - I see that he prioritizes his space in the woods slightly higher than the academic performance of the schools the kids attend. Whereas I don't mind seeing some neighbors or having some when I am giving my children access to the best school districts available regionally. Providing for my children drives me going to work everyday. We both value these things, but I believe that since all these factors are tight, we will have to reconcile our slight differences in order to get back on the realty wagon. Being homeless isn't cheap, either.
The way I feel about the schools is strong, too. I know that I have one child who will thrive academically in any school district (at this stage in the game, anyhow). No matter what state we live in, she out performs all other kids consistently. Our last progress report came a week or two ago with a note in it saying that Jenna is at an 8th grade level (she's finishing her 4th grade year). Every teacher reports Jenna is "mature," and that she is. It's lovely and I love being with her. She has the ability to understand many concepts and at this point needs me more as a role model and a guide, not so much to give her "help." She started her period a few months ago and doesn't even turn 10 until the end of June. She's been wearing bras for 2 years and I swear she could be 12 years old if I didn't know for sure when she was born.
Darin, on the other hand, came into the elementary school last year qualifying for title 1 reading help (a federal grant given to help kids performing below grade level in reading) and with 3 months scored out of it and is now 1 grade ahead in reading. He has also had a IEP open for speech (which he won't need next year) since he started school in New Jersey. This past year he was diagnosed with a IED - intermittent explosive disorder (psych) and of course he also has his congenital musculoskeletal condition, which as recently as a few days ago required that he use a wheelchair in school. So that all being said, Darin has a normal intelligence level and he is a bright child, but I believe that where we choose his schooling will be instrumental in whether he succeeds or performs as "average" or less. We are pulling for him in every direction because he has an amazing amount of potential, but we can't ignore the fact that we have been lucky to avoid any additional IEP's opened for either one of the diagnoses. His school behavior has been A+ and his progress reports--with all the help we give on a regular basis--brings home B+/A- averages.
I can't forget the seriousness of what we are dealing with since his most violent outburst was only a few months ago. The medication has been a gift from God, it will truly change the course of Darin's life, but I have to be on it very tightly. The physical violence he is capable of when he loses control and the ability to make conscientious choices is severe.
I will live wherever I have to - and be happy with my choice - to have the right school for my children. It's a gutteral maternal instinct. I don't want to look back and wish I had done something different, we never have that opportunity. Some of these things have unraveled over time and we can easily lose sight of what it is we are juggling on a regular basis in the present. The load keeps getting heavier and heavier and it's important for me to look in and look at where I am headed. Being that what I do for a living (and I will always have to work hard for a living because I haven't won the lottery and never will) is so important to me and my ability to be happy, I feel a load has been lifted with this current position because I am living the max midwife dream.
And, I have been changing with time. My first big change of heart about who I was came at 21-22 years of age (and a subsequent divorce was in order). Then, I had one in NJ sometime at about age 30 or so (that was a shift towards becoming independent and fulfilling that gap of my "potential" that always lingered). It was a monumental shift. I believe I am in another one now, already. It's good and I'm glad I'm capable of change, but I believe that some maturity is starting to creep in.