I'm still waiting for my ottomans but I'm sure they are on their way. Summer 2014 has almost been a wash. It was hard for a lot longer than either of us imagined. Our animals are still recovering (Mo is still in therapeutic rest recovering from a UTI) and Emma is learning how to go to the bathroom again outdoors after spending 2 months in boarding facilities.
But I have something to say.
Our time is now.
There isn't anymore time in our future guaranteed. There never was.
We winged it by spending some years - arguably our best years parenting children 10 & under - living a life neither one of us endorsed for a bigger picture. We needed to see Derek finish serving our country and we needed to do whatever we could to help secure a future. How as I supposed to comfort my children as they started so many new schools when I remember switching schools only once so vividly?
Neither Derek nor I came from wealth and we have been working really hard for a long time.
We still are and we always will.
If I want to get in shape, now is the time. If I want to appreciate the time I have, now is the time. If I want to instill that some things can never change, now is the time. If I want to hear the buzz of the hummingbird's flight, now is the time. If I want to hear the ocean and put my toes in the warm sand, now is the time. If I want to show my children how to be a responsible community member, now is the time. If I want to step on the spongy mossy forest floor, now is the time. If I need a work/play life balance, now is the time. If I want to hug my daughter when she cries out, "Momma!" now is the time. If I want to show my son self care, now is the time. If we want to sit on cinder blocks near an open fire, now is the time. If I want to sit on the deck with my raincoat on and listen to the rain, now is the time.
It's time I'm taking now.
I see my son's delicate soft peach fuzz skin and I know that some kinds of time are limited. I see how my daughter yearns for my attention and I know that my time with her in that way is limited. I see that my husband takes two antihypertensives to keep congenital heart disease at bay and I know that even though him and I are forever that even our forever won't last as as long as the trees on our property.
This is the cycle of life and I am a part of it everyday. What I do matters. I see some of the babies I caught turn into young children and it dawns on me that time is passing and I made a difference. I worked really hard to focus on moving, my licensing, advancing my career, etc.
Now, it's time to focus on my family.
We still have a ton of boxes that need unpacked. Mostly none of the boxes contain anything from the labeled rooms. We are taking longer to unpack than usual, because we are sorting through each box. I found the kids' "birth" albums ... complete with fetal monitor strips and newborn pictures. The kids enjoyed looking through those.
I've been on call all weekend (and I will be for several more days) but I'm ready to continue to work towards my dreams. We spent a few hours looking at hardwood flooring types and from both big box stores I didn't find the "right" sample. The hardwood I imagine in my family home wasn't there. Maybe a hardwood flooring company will have it or maybe a lumbar yard.
I am finding aspects that I love about this house and property. I want to cultivate a garden. I really like the blue ceramic sink, toilet and tub in the main bathroom (the 30 yr old wallpaper, however beautiful, is starting to uncurl and develop mold). I love the deck and I hung flower baskets out there today. I love the moss on the rocks. I love how cool it gets here in the evenings (we just open the windows and cool down the house).
This is a house but I want to make it a home. It's a place of respite.
In many ways, the burden is on me to make it happen. Women can play an essential part in family life (I learned this when I watched Derek's family disassemble after all the eldest women died within a few years of each other).
All these little things that I love matter. After all the military moves, the last minute funerals, my desperate attempts to make a career out of midwifery, the difficult diagnoses for my son (and management plans 1. bilateral lower leg anomalies w/ major amputation surgery and another surgery probably coming soon due to the way his tibia is rotating externally 2. IED - a diagnosis w/ violence 3. IEP in school for speech), our summers spent in motels and our pets displaced ... my family deserves first place now.
All these little things that I love for some reason and that I loved so much then matter. They are what brought me to all that I love now.