Ham Kin

Kitties, Basements, and when I'll get my game on.

So, what is on my mind as I sit here at nearly 10 AM in a hotel room?

Yesterday I spent a few hours with the realtor looking at houses, reacquainting ourselves with each other. She's a petite woman with the beginnings of osteoporosis (I'm not sure she knows that). I'm coming from Jersey - with attitude - and this is the five billionth move I've made so I have made quite an art out of not wasting time with finding a new home.

I can't be lured into a home that I don't like, even if there is no reason not to like it. She's learned that now and so I finally think we're on the same page. She has even made a few sarcastic remarks which is right up my alley. I think we'll be good together now.

Traveling with cats is a new one. I had no idea what to expect. I got them each new kennels and put in a kitchen towel for comfort. I literally packed them into the car like luggage, only in a way that kept that sheltered from incoming heat and allowed them to rest without seeing the windows. Meowdie slobs when he is able to look out the window. Strangely, his drooling stops when he is turned away from it and he takes a nap.

Mo, who is the "meower" of the two seemed to acknowledge that no amount of meowing was going to save him this time and I think he averaged only about 1 meow per hour for the ten hour ride.

Other than the single meow per hour and the occasional puddles of drool, the cats adapted very well to the travel and also to the hotel rooms. It's weird to have cats in a hotel room.

Unsettling, even.

So the issue out here is this - if I want to live in a nice area with excellent school districts, we will either have to pay $2500-$3000/mo for rent OR buy a house that fits into the VA guidelines. The guidelines are set because we already own the beach house.

Ahhh. The beach house.

An entire other topic. The first thing is that is has not rented, yet. I am not concerned about this aspect because the few other houses up for yearly rent are still up for rent with me and have not come off the market. Even the realtor says it's slow for the yearly rent right now.That will be the ebb and flow of the market and I do not believe an indication of the long term business.

Honest to goodness, I don't care. In the wake of all the moving I've done in the past 10+ years, it feels good to have something that is mine ... err ... "ours." The current homeowners insurance company we have right now is pulling out of the area and so we will have to get new quotes. The flood venting is in and still waiting on FEMA to reimburse us for the past 11 months (it can take a good month for processing) and then for our flood insurance to be cut down by half. So, things are changing with the insurance side of the house right now.

Even though having the beach house cramps our style here in Ohio somewhat for now - because it's not rented - I won't let go of it. It is an investment property and I do believe it will pay off somehow or someway in the future. The realtor is biting at the bit to sell it now, even, because I can make a decent profit off of it already (which translates to an income for her).

While looking at all the houses out here west of Cleveland, all of them have basements. I've learned that I hate basements. A basement might be great if I am going to rent but I don't want to deal with them as an owner who may have to resell in 3-5 years. Some people have made great uses out of them and that is commendable. But when they call the house a "three bedroom, two bathroom," more often than not the second bathroom is in the basement!

So ... I asked the realtor. Who goes to the bathroom in the basement? Who showers down here ...?

Some people even put offices down there. And, while it is a practical space to work (lets see ... quiet, dark, "hidden,"), I can't see doing my best work in a basement. Creepy.

Her reply is that men actually like to use basement bathrooms.

I'll need to check with Derek & Darin on that to see if that sounds appealing.

I left my big box of tools at the beach house because I anticipate needing to make repairs and I ran out of packing room in my VW.  Otherwise, I would imagine that not only does Derek need a tool space but so do I. I would rather have a garage or something over a basement.

Not to keep harping at the basement issue, but when I step into a basement all I think of is dark and damp. No matter how dry and cheery they have been made to become, all I can think of is sump pumps and mold.

Maybe it's the same issue that entirely prevents me from ever going down a water slide. Pumps, water, mold. eek

After rehabbing a house from 1950 - without a basement - I just don't want any more work right now than what I would actually enjoy doing.

The housing issue is at the forefront of my mind because once I secure a house for us all to return to in mid- June, I will also have an address and that will allow me to register the kids for school, receive mail and "make a home." I can also begin catching up on my certifications, receive my many licenses to work in the state of Ohio and look for a very rewarding position.

Even though I'm not licensed in the state, well-intentioned people ask, "do you have a new job there, yet?" Well, no, is the answer. But, I will. It might not happen for a few months and I am okay with that. I will not forget how to do what I do. I do not bite my nails that nobody will hire me. The smart thing is to get everything in order so that I am very marketable and I can begin to continue my learning. I have an undergraduate degree from a prestigious teaching university where I graduated in the top 10% of my class, I followed that with a decade of inpatient experience and then acquired a graduate degree from a well known Ohio based university with a final GPA of 3.86. Finishing that, I was hired directly on from my clinical site and I have a full year of prescribing and practical experience plus I have caught 100 babies. 

Nobody can take what I have done away from me. I will be choosy where I work next because I still have so much more I want to do. One provider came up to me and thanked me for her "thank you, " card. She said she is going to stash it away in her "keeper folder" because someday she is certain I'll be famous in the world of midwifery and she wants to be able to say, "I taught her. I knew her!" It was a sweet and encouraging comment.

I haven't lived with my kids in six months and I haven't lived with my husband in a year. I'm going to take a few months to get my ducks lined up and then.

Game On.

two sides of the same coin

Clean laundry anyone?

Well, well, well.

I struggled for the past 1-2 weeks with a heavy heart and many decisions. I became persistently sleepless from too much call and too many babies. I was unable to make decisions. My appetite disappeared overnight weeks ago.

I faced patients throughout each day while simultaneously bonding with them. I know better by now than to abandon love from fear of pain. The trite old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," stayed with me.

I received questions all day everyday for weeks on end. Sunday night, while living in a grungy call room once again, everything came to a head and I revealed my answer. 

My work is done in New Jersey. It doesn't mean I won't come back but I came to love a lot of people. I laughed with sheer joy and, often, I laughed through my tears of pain. Many people let me into their lives unguarded, shared their personal happiness and most intimate thoughts.  When I faltered I had many hands to help me up.

Honest to goodness I laughed so hard with so many people for so many years that it is difficult to let go.

But I will let go because my family needs me and I need them.

Additionally, there have been many people here, as with many places, that actually caused such conflict within me that I couldn't get it right until I got around.  I am blessed to know them because had I not met them I might not be as happy as I am today. Experiences with those appalling situations challenged my inner beliefs and personal guide, making me stronger than ever.

I am grateful for all of the patients who trusted me with what was most important. I feel privileged to have been a part of all those experiences.  I hope that when I was needed most that I was there.

My husband and children let me have this time to focus on this meaningful work and now we all need each other. I wouldn't pass up this opportunity for the world, lest I become unbalanced and truly lose focus of what is important.

Ironically, I was hugged & kissed as I shared my personal pain with my good friend here in south Jersey within hours that I was hugged & kissed by a grandmother at a birth who whispered with her Spanish accent, "Thank You. God Bless You."

Joy and pain are two sides of the same coin.

 

Jen! You are One Crafty Bitch!

I was sitting out on the front patio enjoying my salad when some realtors and peeps showed up to see the house. It was without warning - and I was pretty tired. Fortunately I had spent the morning cleaning up a bit from my absence this week. Dishes were done, laundry done, rooms picked up.

And, really, there I was in my flip flops - on the spot - enjoying the best of what the house has to offer in 80-degree beach weather.

The windows were open and I told them to just go in and look around and I tried to be friendly with chit chat since I know what it's like to be bitched out at the front door.

I have worked really hard on my house and I'm, frankly, a bit shy to show it off. This is the first house I have rehabbed myself. I brought my friend in last weekend and she walked into the kitchen and said, "Jen! You are one crafty bitch!" She said she loved the house so much that she wants to buy it.

I didn't take too much stock in her opinion, though, because she's my friend and I know she wouldn't hurt my feelings.

And, here were strangers and I was going to have to hear everything they said through the open window.

To my pleasant surprise I heard exclamations of joy when they first stepped into the living room. "Wow! This is really beautiful! I love the hardwood ... this is really nice in here. This is very airy." The young girl was already planning where she was going to put her stuff.

They came out and one lady said, "your house is absolutely beautiful - we love it."

And, honestly, those were some of the best compliments I could have received.

Today marks one week until I leave south Jersey.

In one last ditch to make the transition to Cleveland smooth instead of choppy, I brought it to the attention of the office that if they made the right offer it might be worth it for me to stay. Even in the face of "the right" offer I'm still not sure it's worth it to stay.

I gave my everything this week to my patients. Two of them in the same day said, "will you tell me what practice you are moving to because I'd like to follow you there." My heart sank each time I had to explain that Cleveland is too far away for them.

I am trying to boost the confidence of my patients and sometimes when they cry & panic when they hear I'm leaving I wonder if I am hurting them more than helping them.

I have been goofing off this past week drinking, eating, socializing ... and not finishing up on the house. I have some holes in drywall to repair and paint, crown molding to put finishing touches up on and miscellaneous organizing of my remaining stuff. I lost my appetite for an entire week, sometimes only eating a piece of fruit with my coffee daily.

I need to secure a mailing address and get some kitty carriers for travel. I need to package up my textbooks and remaining stuff so that it will all fit in my VW. I need to service my VW.  I need to wrap up loose ends with the Jeep sale.

In about 6 days, I most likely will not be living here. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. There are a few scenarios out there ... 1) leaving for Oregon and returning back to this house in jersey to work the summer 2) leaving for Oregon and returning to south Jersey homeless to work the summer or 3) leaving for Oregon and not coming back to Jersey until I want to stay at my beach house (when it's not rented).

Even if I don't leave south Jersey because my office comes back with "the just right offer to make it worth it for 2-3 months," I'm not sure I will be living here too much longer.

Based on the reactions of people coming into the house, I have a feeling it's about to rent.

It needs to rent but I love living in this house. Even more so then when I bought it. I have worked really hard to make it a cute beach house.

I'm really tired today because I have given so much of my time and energy to the people of south Jersey but I need to get things wrapped up here.

The prospect of being without a place to live in six days is bumping up on the "list of important stuff to get done."

Money cannot buy what I hold most dear.

I'm really tired so I'm taking Mother's Day to get some rest. I am on call five of the seven days next week with one more private patient out there (yep, I took on another one because it just seemed right).

My days are numbered here in South Jersey for the time being. Will I return? I'm just not sure, but there is a lot of potential. I know that if I return here sometime in the future it won't be the same as it has been this last year.  I will not be the same, the purpose for returning will be different and the strength of my many contacts here will fade.

It's just a natural consequence of time and of my circumstances.

I have matured and grown so much in the past year. I wish that it happened more frequently, but it seems that every ten years I process through a major life change. My outlook changes. Often my career changes. My personal life enriches. I become more appreciative of all that I have, including the concept of time.

With supportive family, my gracious & kind hearted friends and my rewarding career, I could not ask for anything more.

Money can not buy what I hold most dear.

It's time to circle the wagons and address the drawing board of the future. It's time for me to turn my attention to my partner and to my children and to nurture them all.

I will never stop caring for women and children because it is my calling. Buried permanently within, I do know what makes me happy. I don't need others to confirm or reject what it is that feels right or wrong.  When I think less and feel more, the right decision will surface when needed. This assurance is a form of self reliance that can not possibly be validated or dismissed by any other.  I will make mistakes but I will then have the opportunity to both learn and to grow from the errors if I open myself to change.

From my experiences in the past two years, I am a better person. I am happier. I am more capable. I am more trustworthy. I am more trusting. I am more self reliant. I am more centered.

I need to bring these characteristics to my children so that they can find their way like I have found mine.

The Awning is up.

 Wow. Nice crown molding lol

Friday was spent catching a baby and working in the office. Saturday seemed unusually quiet and so by late morning I decided to dive into caulking all of the crown molding in the house. That actually took me a bit of time. I finished the day's work at about 10pm and then crawled into bed with my kindle.

Sunday morning I awoke to a page from my last. Private. Pregnant. Patient. She was telling me how excited she was and that she was just sure her water had broken. I wanted to be excited, but she wasn't due for another week and I just wasn't ready to have this kind of "last."

I had to do rounds anyways so I finished my coffee, showered and made it back out the door for a day's worth of patiently waiting in a call room.

She finally delivered late Sunday night and then I had to turn around and be up at 5:45am the next morning to make it in time to open the office and be seeing patients by 7:00am.

I was so tired that even though I had so much I wanted to accomplish I just had to eat lunch and take a nap. I awoke to car doors slamming as parents picked up kids mid afternoon from school.

I took my pager off, as I had forgot to do so by 9:00am when I was running between patients. I decided to tackle the patio awning by myself.

No worries, the elderly neighbors are used to my isolated bursts of outdoors cursing.

I really wasn't sure I was going to get it up by myself but I did.

I decided to reward myself by getting some merlot at the beach wine store and so I did.

Now I'm drinking wine, eating garlic knots and watching a Momma bunny and her baby bunnies play in the neighbor's abandoned, knee-high grassed front yard.

Well, at least I think that's what I'm watching but it's been months since I've allowed myself alcohol even when not officially on call.

I feel like May is going by way too fast. I'm ready to see my children and be with my family and even to visit Oregon - sooner rather than later - but I'm about a month away from really being able to enjoy the fruits of my labor in this house.

I know there will new opportunities and I at least I have a realistic view of where I'm headed next.

It's just that. Well.

My arms are still sore.

I should have been fined 5 inches ago.

The crown molding is in and now I need to take paintable caulk to the gaps.  Then, I need to paint more white. I'll have to see if I have any white left. I don't think I have much.

I'm on call this weekend so I'll have to keep my projects limited to those I can leave from if necessary.

I've worked so many days in a row that I found myself up until about 1:00am last night (after a delivery) eating organic vegetable pizza and gaming. I slept in so then I had to book it out the door to arrive at the hospital in time to discharge all the patiently waiting women heading for home.

I got coffee and a bagel on the way back home and even coffee can't save me today. I'm dead tired but I need to put on the game face and keep wrapping things up around here. My yard is twice the length needed to get fined here in the city but I broke my lawn mower and I haven't been able to entice anybody out here this week with all the rainy weather.

Friends are starting to narrow in on my one weekend off between now and Cleveland and the dates are flying in. I can't hold them off too much longer because they are going right for my schedule and telling me when and where to be. All I can think of is how much more I have to get done the to wrap details up here for the move while also working at the office.

I have a lot on my plate, but I'm on schedule for the most part:

1. licensing in Ohio

2. finishing up on miscellaneous projects around house and making arrangements for being able to leave the house (i.e. lawn service, real estate, getting things done that might surface within the next 1-2 yrs here, getting cats ready to go, car servicing for drive, etc).

3. getting tickets and arrangements made for Oregon trip and arrival to Cleveland

4. Finishing up the sale of the Jeep

A lot of friends are asking, "do you have a house there? Do you have a job there?" All I can say is ... nope.

Family knows better than to ask. I think they already know how I operate and I don't always make a schedule or a plan. I just make do when I arrive someplace new.

Even though I don't have a job in Cleveland, yet, I'm also not actively looking. I just want to make the move and get my licensing finished. Then, I'll look in person. There is no question whether I will be catching babies in my new location. If there ever was a sign, it came this morning from a great grandmother who witnessed her grand daughter's birthing experience the night before.

She cried tears of joy and shook with excitement over the beautiful birth of a new girl. The grandfather hugged me. This morning, the great grandmother made it very clear that the birth was the best miracle she had ever seen and that my calmness transferred to the room and made everybody else calm. She said I sure hope that wherever you are moving that you have it in your plans to keep doing this. You are wonderful and gentle and made for this. I hope you are not planning to stop. We have done nothing but talk about you and the birth since it happened.

I can bring a sense of normalcy to the room - and reinforce it in times of uncertainty - but only because each woman has the innate ability to conquer the pain and make the transition to motherhood. She can bring me her uncertainty through verbals and non-verbals, but I will only kick back to her the strength and ability she has within her.

Ironically, I heard the grandfather - during the last few contractions, say can't you use forceps? Can't you do something to help her out?

I stood there, ready, knowing that by not reaching for any instrument on the table that I was helping her in the best possible way.

Honestly, I find that my best usefulness is simply by being there. A research study published not too long ago found that having a primary experienced female birth attendant or two at a birth brought better outcomes as a factor alone than males with any degree.

I remember reading that study and thinking to myself that the positive outcomes from having experienced females present at a human delivery is truly timeless and made innate sense even before science caught up with the "why."

I remember my mom asking me, in my early 20s, that if I could do anything without money being factored in ... what would I choose?

I told her, without thinking too long, that I would like to go to an impoverished country and live in a village. I want to be a midwife in a village. Scantily clothed living in intact cultural customs. When I think of my answer, I don't see any pavement. I see only dust, dirt and heat.

A lot of things in my life have changed since we had that discussion ten years ago, but that is one dream that has not.

That can only mean one thing.

I have a calling.

But for now, I need to made a run to homeless depot to get paintable caulk for my new crown molding.

Hanging on, even when it doesn't make sense.

Okay, well. The flooring and baseboard is in the kitchen under and around the new stove. That means the kitchen is officially done. It is far from my dream kitchen but the gross has been pried off, sanded off and aired out.

I need to take some windex to the windows, some bleach to the bathroom and get the broken lawn mower to the small engine repair shop (for final destination to be parted). I have a few things in the attic that need to be taken to the Goodwill shop.

It's important that I get these done before work this morning because the house goes up for rent today. Or, maybe that already happened a half hour ago.

I need to redo my FBI finger prints because they were, apparently, of insufficient quality.

I need to get OHSU to send off official record of my degree because the State of Ohio doesn't seem to get that I am applying for endorsement and not for an initial license - they are way over killing this. If we are getting temporarily lodged at the RN license I can't imagine how long the advanced practice and license to prescribe is going to take.

One bit of good news is that one of the drug reps that I have known for the past year grew up in Cleveland and his family is in Cleveland. He knows many people at the Clinic and has offered to get me in - he's not even talking the talk - he threw out names of providers he knows personally and said when I'm ready to get hired let him know. He'll vouch for me and his parents have lived there all of their lives. At a dinner last night it just came up how I was leaving for Cleveland and the connection was made.

And to think that it all happened in my favorite little Indian food place over a glass of free Merlot.

I woke up this morning feeling beat up - too many hours working and not enough hours sleeping and resting. I have it in my mind to go back to bed. The crown molding wood guy isn't coming until tomorrow, the kichen floor is already done and now I'm only waiting on the tree cutting peeps. I could probably steal some sleep before they come. One of my girls had a baby the night before last and then I caught another one unexpectedly before the day was over. I now only have two remaining private patients left ...

I have been eating pretty well, knowing that eating well is what will keep me moving forward without breaking down. Everyday I eat as many salads and vegetables as I have time to put in.

I know better than to worry about the future even though I don't have firm plans. I'm not jumping from one contract to the next to give me peace of mind. I try to the look at the positive - and there is much. We will all be reunited as a family, we have a lot of living places to check out and the city we are moving to is bigger than any city I've ever lived in or near before. I have managed to make quality of life out of smaller number of options and opportunities in my past.

I can manage this.

I haven't closed any doors, I've tried to only open them and leave them open - even if just a crack.

And even with as tired as I am, I am fulfilled that so many aspects in my life are "right." I try to respect all my patients and treat each woman how I would want to be treated. As easy as that sounds that it would be on paper, it's often challenging in the face of a backed up schedule, one complex problem after another, chronic sleep deprivation and watching so many other providers in the area take short cuts (resulting, in my opinion, in sub standard care).

I have an intact family, even if we are separated by miles, and I've watched many friends and coworkers divorce over the past few years. Even under the strain of being apart and seeing this temporary mission through to the end, we have remained committed to our marriage and children. And because of that, I have two beautiful children who have the tools to conquer and enjoy the world. I have a partner who is in it with me for all the rest of the good years ahead. Perhaps our first few years we bonded over one crisis after another - even before we knew each other well at all - but we never quit or looked elsewhere to fill the gaps.

We just kept to the path ahead. We were both long distance runners when we first met and it is, perhaps, endurance that has transferred over to our commitments (because we sure in the heck are no longer distance runners or swimmers).

We just held on, having faith that it would get better.

Derek and I have held strong even when situations didn't make sense.

But now, looking at it all from a broader perspective, everything makes sense today.

Hmmm. That's a little over the top.

My projects for today. My arms are sore and I'm tired even though it's only 3:42pm. I had a few glasses of wine last night and it caused me a bit of interruption in my sleep so I was up with a slight insomnia at 2:00am. I headed back to bed about 4:00am and then woke up at my usual 7:30am.

My work load today was heavy but I managed to get right on top of it and get what I needed to get done finished. I still have a few straggling things on my list but I've got a few weeks to bring those together and none of them are biggies.

Today consisted mostly of caulking, cleaning and painting. I tried to start the lawn mower but since somebody stole my regular gas I made a poor decision to put in the mixed and now it's entirely flooded. Forever.

I took a break for a salad lunch and then got right back to work. Fortunately, there was not a single page from any of my three remaining patients who are due.

I probably have one more trip to Goodwill before the month is out. I need the nanny to come pick up her own furniture because the Jeep is gone.

Most all my plans are coming together except for the biggest one, which is ... where I'm headed.

I'm most always headed for something and right now I know where I'm going but I don't have an address or a job. I doubt I'll have that secured before arriving either. One more opportunity lies when I drive up there at the end of May to secure housing. Otherwise I'll be securing a PO BOX which will be a new one for me.

I'm still in awe of just what all I've done in the past two years. I embarked upon and finished graduate school. I fell in love with my new career as a midwife and I have caught about 100 babies. I rehabbed a house built in 1950 located just four blocks from the beach.

I rehabbed an entire house?!

struggling to make a list. never thought i'd get there.

I was up naturally at about 6:30am. I just couldn't sleep any longer. I got my pot of coffee down the hatch and decided to tackle the outside yard junk. I needed to get some stuff off to recycling and to the "environmental park." I cut up my water logged rugs, beat up my cabinet structures into pieces and picked up remaining light fixtures and what not. By 8:30 am, I was outside with my hammer trying to arrange it all in the VW so that I could make just one trip. I was successful.

I returned after that for all the Goodwill stuff. By 11:00am, all items going to the thrift store were loaded and dropped off. A few trash bags were tied off. I made a run for the grocery store because I needed kitty litter in order to soak up some of the chemicals for disposal.

I had a lunch break and then lost some of my energy. I talked myself into at least putting up the outlet extenders. After finishing that I thought I'd paint behind the stove, but then realized I didn't have a single paint brush left. How could this be?!

I caulked the back splash to counter top.

Then I made a run to the homeless depot for a few more paintbrushes/roller dealies and white caulk. I know I need white caulk because the crown molding is going up this week. I also thought the space between the trim/wall and kitchen cabinets needed some caulking. Oh, and also in the newly placed quarter round in the back bedroom.

Now I'm all set for finishing up. I made a list. The only thing I probably won't get to tomorrow is putting up the shelving in the laundry room. I'm struggling to put things on my list.

Wednesday the flooring come in behind the stove and the kitchen will officially be done.

Sometimes I walk through the house and look for anything else that could be improved upon.

Did I really work a year on this house?

By mid next week I'll only have 2-3 weeks to enjoy the house in a "finished" but undecorated state. If I had more time I'd probably put in new flooring in the laundry room. It needs it.

I am a little bit of a perfectionist.

While I'm doing all this I wear my pager because I have three more patients due and I could get a page at any time.

Extending the Electrical Outlet Box. Among other things.

There was a time when my posts were filled with cute childrens. Now, I fill my posts with home improvement projects, words of excitement over electrical outlet box extenders and lists of projects yet to be completed.

All this because it gets me closer to my childrens. It's painful to think of my life without them right now. I needed to sacrifice, however, for the sake of my husband and children.

I don't even post much about the most rewarding aspect of life alone here - which is the pregnant women who have invited me into their lives and the newborns adding to generations of eager families. Even though those experiences are what fill most of my days and make being alone here meaningful, I refuse to blog about them.

It's not professional.

Someday, I might write about my experiences, as many have, in a way that will yield anonymity to those involved.

Cleveland Clinic senior director of APN recruiting wrote me back a very sincere email expressing her apologies and her actions since we met. She tells me that I am qualified and she has since passed on my written information, personally, to three directors in the area who practice obstetrics and that she has plans to forward my information to mid level nursing directors who can also get me placed.

I have no doubts that obstetrics is where I belong. It's my actual placement that has yet to be decided.

I am so fond of the English proverb, where there's a will there's a way.

It is in discovering the way that I have learned so much about living life.

I finished a book all about habits and I started a book last night about introverts. I got a migraine yesterday evening and when I went to take my ibuprofen in the bathroom I noted that my eyes were blood shot. This often happens when I get a migraine and the associated nausea is terrible.

It is such a sweet feeling to wake up in the morning pain free.

I have a contractor coming over this morning to replace a doorway trim, put in the rest of the quarter round in the bedroom and put up crown molding in the bedrooms/living/dining areas. I fully expect to be finished with this house by Sunday (except for the outdoors tree trimming).

List of projects waiting for me this weekend:

1. put in outlet extenders

2. Paint behind stove with roller

3. Sand laundry room

4. Paint laundry room. Let dry.

5. Put up shelving in laundry room.

6. caulk between back splash and counter in kitchen

7. will probably have to caulk quarter round to baseboard in one bedroom

8. Wait to be called that flooring can be installed under stove in kitchen (nothing I can do about that)

9. Clean and stage.

Flood venting is in (honestly the vents look awesome but nobody notices things like vents). Subsequent flood elevation certified has been revised. I dried it out (printed seal and all) because when I arrived home the rain had been pouring over my mail for days since the mail man left the mailbox lid open). Now it goes to insurance and FEMA. The dimmer knob for the bathroom came in and it was amazingly perfect (who'd have thought dimmer knobs have different prongs and fittings?!). A hiccup in the Ohio licensing process - my FBI finger print cards were apparently of "insufficient quality" and so now they have to be redone. Forget that I have had my fingers fingerprinted five times in the last three months for Florida's licensing, Ohio's licensing and that I have to have both civilian and FBI investigations to work in both states.

I have targeted Rocky River, Ohio, as my next destination. It's wonderful there but we cannot afford housing there.

Again, drawing board. Where there's a will there's a way. I have a few weeks to figure that out.

I do think this house will need to be staged to maximize the monthly rent. I don't have any furniture to stage with, but I'll make it look homey.

Somehow.

Me and the PA got in trouble in work yesterday for stirring the work pot. Apparently the staff being left behind (there aren't many of them) are all worried about losing their jobs. A main reason people are leaving is because we are afraid about losing our jobs, too. There has not been a secure picture painted for the practice. We are told monthly about how the outlook for the practice looks grim. To young, energetic working class in this kind of economy it is important to have security for the long term. As a result, everybody is bailing.

One staff member described it as watching the Titanic heading for the iceberg.

That image made us laugh until our cheeks hurt.

We needed a management to motivate us. To tell us how great we are doing and to honor suggestions for improvement. To build our surroundings so that we are proud of where we work (organization, painting, cleanliness and timeliness). They needed an office that refused to support employee smoking. It's weird to be part of the minority of employees who do not smoke and to walk through cigarette smoke wafts in a medical office hallway. Daily I pray the patients do not smell it.

I'm saddened that their future management is to bring in another physician. It's what needed to happen awhile ago - unfortunately. Big pieces of the current practice are from mid level providers because we are able to spend extra time with the patients. The current aging physicians haven't had to be sole provider on call in years.

I don't see good things ahead for them and I'm sad about it. The patient population is currently increasing but when three of the mid levels leave in June - and the patient population who enjoyed having the extra time with mid level providers - I see a decline in existing practice ahead. Frankly, there won't be a single full time provider left to support a woman who brings in her birth plan.

I have a handful of women due this coming month who have asked me to be there for the delivery. I've had several more say they'd like to transfer into the practice if I was going to stay but now they won't.

Unfortunately I cannot do anything about it. 

I will see the women who are here with us until the very last day, when I have to pack up my VW with my kitties and drive to Cleveland.

I have faith that great things are ahead for me and I know that I still have a lot of personal and professional growth left. I don't want to rush the now for then. I savor every last week and I look forward to all my opportunities in the future.

One of the providers told me that she sees me owning my own practice in the future.

That idea, I'm afraid, I cannot exclude.