Ham Kin

Painfully Normal. Even with a Plumber.

So, I've mentioned a lot about my job situation because that is what has bothered me the most about the past few months. It's also what has eaten up most of my time (job dissatisfaction, interviewing for new jobs, deciding on a job, giving notice to current job, traveling, etc). I went in yesterday and I got my TB screening test, turned in about half my paperwork and spoke with the credentialing expert (there's a credentialing expert!). Also, it's been about a year where I have had general work worries because of a military relocation, new state licenses and our overall plan for when Derek retires.

Yesterday, Derek and I sat out together on the tailgate of his truck watching the plumber snake our main line. I was able to pick both kids up from school and the weather was gorgeous. We couldn't decide on whether to BBQ, eat our broccoli & tofu or go out for dinner. No matter what the plumber said, it would never be as horrific as in the state of NJ where they found a repair that needed done on the leach field during a real estate transaction (state of NJ law says the entire leach field needed replaced and no repair was legal -- and anybody who tried to repair a repairable problem during a real estate transaction would be fined $100k). We had to come up with money we didn't have to have the leach field replaced so we could begin to unhook ourselves from NJ.

It wouldn't have mattered what the plumber said ... it never would have been that bad. We were calm and made jokes and. Well. We kind of made friends with the plumber. He gave us $50 off the price he told us at the beginning, but we turned that around and gave him a hefty tip just because he's a nice plumber. And he went above and beyond his work and the charge for his services were nearly nothing, plus he gave us the name of a good general contractor (I asked, because I want to add main level bathroom to this house). Honestly, it exceeded our expectations. Nobody tried to swindle us, take us for more than the job was worth or do bare minimum work. After living in NJ, we now know what good service looks like.

After that, we rounded up the kids and went to dinner and it was just. So. Normal.

It felt really good. I woke up this morning and although I was really tired from not having any days off (I go in for a few hours this afternoon, too), my coffee helped. Strangely, I found a nice shirt to go with my navy skirt and I also found a pair of new flats that will do, too. This week has been extraordinarily nice with sunny and warm weather. The flowers are bloomed, the grasses are green and growing. Chickmunks and birds are skittering across our walkway and ... I have just realized that I made the best decision for my family. 

I feel peace that I can dedicate myself to this practice and to my family and that we will all heal from the past 2+ years.  Our family has been living in a whirlwind since we made it. I'm dedicated to making it better. I deserve it, Derek & I deserve it, the kids deserve it. Derek and I have worked very hard over the past 10 years to put ourselves in a good position. I feel that everything is aligning for the first time.  I just felt this today.

I also want to make note that my weight is what is was when I met Derek over 10 years ago. I am not the toned long distance runner that I was back then. I am leaner and I believe that I probably have another 10lb to lose if I don't exercise. I haven't been able to exercise because of this schedule the past 3 weeks, but I can hopefully restart in July. It feels good to have my values all aligned. We'll see what the body does with the weight. 

For now, I need to get dressed to go into work for a few hours this afternoon. It's today that we get to discuss schedules which will help us plan for the future.

Main Line: Slowly Draining.

Thunder and rain is coming. I'm not speaking metaphorically.

We've had very warm weather for north Ohio (upper 80s) and yesterday there was a thunderstorm with remaining warm temperatures and today we have the same.

I really need a day off to lounge around, cook some food and generally do nothing. That is not happening right now. Yesterday, I made myself print and work through all the packets that my new job sent me. I need to have a legally binding contract (do I?) and I need to get these hospital privilege packets done before I leave town.

We also have a worsening plumbing issue that needs attention. I have a plumber coming this afternoon because we have a slow draining main line. I just hope we've caught it in time so that we don't have a $10-$15k replacement fee.

I'm glad that I started in early on all the packets, because I needed to get a ton of stuff done between now and July 1 and I am not home for anymore weeks than this one. I'm rushing around trying to explain to everybody that this all needs to get done this week - and I've scheduled most of it this week.  I will have some remaining issues that linger, but I got appointments for everything else. I have three appointments to meet with various people and for training this week. I will have the bulk of my work out of the way, but I fully expect delays in the next month or so. There are too many details out of my control that will need to be handled.

I can see that my new job wants to get me up and running as soon as possible, but a new provider in a practice doesn't do that without a lot of work and approvals from various sources. They want all these packets completed by the end of this month (that is a 2 week frame but when I'm in NJ I don't eat or sleep, I just work). I got closure from my previous employer and now the dust just needs to settle.

I need to let those issues go in order to have energy for the new ones.

Yesterday I made bean & cheese burritos with a side of swiss chard for dinner (no cheese for me). I cooked the beans from a dry bag by soaking them and then cooking them. Bean burritos are one of the kids' favorite dinners. I just really love the smell of cooking pinto beans and I love eating pinto beans (from scratch). Nothing more needed than water and dry beans.

Time is moving too fast for me and yet I really can't wait for mid June when I can take the kids on a plane and just relax in Oregon with the family. Jenna tells me that school ends a week earlier than I thought and I meet with my new lead midwife on Wednesday afternoon to discuss scheduling. This means that this week we also need to formulate a childcare plan for the summer. I keep talking about June like it's far away, but it's not. May is almost finished. I will buy our plane tickets to Oregon today.

--- and then I had to end blogging and start doing some work. lol ----

So I return. Oregon tickets bought. I went out to my new jobsite for the 1 of the 3 times this week. I got a TB test. Even though I was positive TB test, negative everything else almost ten years ago, it was actually a negative test but positive for the area because at that time it was high risk. Also, I am very fair and I don't think the RN read it correctly. It's caused me a lot of grief for the past 10 yrs and radiation from xrays unnecessarily. I decided to try and do the TB test again now that I'm not breastfeeding, I don't have bronchitis and I have a legit person to read the test. What I had going on way back in Oregon was a perfect storm for TB screening. I know none of these factors should make a difference, and perhaps I will register positive on this screen as well, but I have my doubts and I don't want radiation exposure every few years just to prove I don't have TB. If it's positive again, I will know that I need the questionnaire and I'm sure they will do a CXR.

Things will move forward as they should. I want to do laundry but I don't want to make a bigger problem with the plumbing problem until it gets looked at this afternoon. So, for now, the dirty laundry remains.

I just finished bean and cabbage burritos. I have about 2 hours before I have to pick up Jenna. It's looking like nap time to me. Long awaited. Tonight is broccoli and tofu night.

 

Last Week Was a Margarita Mix

Just looking at this picture makes me tired. I guess I have a tendency to want to settle down, to not change things, to have some aspects of my life be stagnant. Really, the last thing I want to do is raise the bar.

No such luck. I have spent the past 2-3 weeks agonizing over the many facets of my job change. The reason for changing. The exposure. At the heart of all these matters lies my innate desire to continue as a midwife. I just want to be a midwife. I am a midwife. Truthfully, although I have so many reasons to leave my current position, I practically begged my current job to make staying with them a logical choice. We had a lot of discussions, but at every turn the best and most reasonable choice was to leave. I am such a nut for even trying to make it work, but I just didn't want another change.  Just when I thought I was over it, the boss brought me in on Tuesday morning and everything got stirred up again.

Last week became a margarita mix of sleeplessess, extreme hunger, suboptimal coffee consumption, increased demand for performance, vaginas and drama. I even thought that I might die a few times ... I worried about what might become of me if certain conversations took place while I was still in NJ.

It has been like a bad boyfriend situation - I just want something more than what they can give. Stepping back, I realize now that I was really not able to see the forest from within the trees. When I step back, I'm able to see that all the providers are 30 years older than me and that the office manager really has absolutely no idea the range of skills, educational background and individual productivity each provider is able to perform. They aren't looking to change the world, they are all over it and just trying to stretch this out a few more years until retirement. And, just like long gone substandard boyfriends I've had in the past, I just hate to see them choose poorly again and again. And, yet, I hold firm with my values and expectations because I don't have low self esteem. I write a long letter about how there is a deficit between what I need and what I'm getting and the job says that they can't meet what I need. There isn't business longevity. I'm forced to make the best decision. No matter how much I don't want to start a new job, I refuse to make a super shitty decision. LOL

Even though my new job is light years beyond the current job situation I have and the opportunities for job growth endless, I spend too much time looking at the door that's closed.

Not really anymore. I just look at the bar that I raised for myself and I'm kind of tired, really LOL New job, new expectations, new opportunities for new skills. Desperately needed new skills. I want to be excited but, frankly, I'm pretty wasted. I'm don't have any excess pockets of energy to pull out and use for anything other than what I need to get done daily.

I have a feeling, however, that after a few weeks of rest I will probably be ready to tackle the world again. Right now, I'm unbalanced. I miss my family and I have another four weeks until I get to spend quality time with the kids.  It will be another six weeks until I spent any normal time in Ohio. I'm kind of throwing a pity party for myself. It doesn't help that I'm seeing new patients who were referred to me from elsewhere in the community, pregnant patients who don't want me to go and nursing staff who tell me they will miss me terribly. They have been my social life for the past 6 years but now those friendships will come to an end. Although they are all well-meaning, they add gasoline to my fire.

After a few days of rest at home, I'm sure that I will move forward with much energy . I will tackle those hospital privilege packets, new contracts and new expectations with as much dedication as I have anything else in my life. I recognize that becoming a vital decision maker in the direction and formation of a relatively new and expanding midwifery service will bring me a satisfaction I've never known before.  The workload couldn't possibly be as demanding, the compensation will no doubt be significantly better and my coworker midwives are the same age as myself. We all have convictions about good midwifery care for all women.

I won't have to spend so much energy fighting off negativity from cultured and burned out providers.

Instead, I'll build my skills to be able to provide even better care. I have a long way to grow. I'll even be in a unique position to pursue my doctorate, if I can get accepted. I have a lot of learning ahead : waterbirth, centering model of prenatal care, unique training to keep C/S rates low, teaching a new midwife, additional IUD placements (I need to become the expert for our PCPs), business tactics to expand our practice, VBAC management, etc.

All the moons are aligned ... even the hang-up with the VW Ohio licenses has recently been resolved (after five months) and I can finally obtain Ohio plates for my car. Derek and I are pretty sure we'll have a real party when the last of NJ gets taken off. The same unique forces of nature that brought me into the practice in NJ are also taking me out. I'm listening. My future is not here.

Wasn't that a journey?!

On a separate note, I've not been eating more than once a day and I don't weigh myself here in NJ. I've responded with negative stress over the changes these past 2-3 weeks and I bet that when I get home in Ohio I'll be significantly less weight than before I left. Traditionally, it's been about 10lb in 2 weeks. I just can't imagine being 10 lb less than when I left before. Fortunately, this yo-yo will be able to stabilize when other things stabilize in July. Derek and I will have a lot more time to spend with each other and to plan things we've never had the opportunity to plan before. We can contribute to our communities and be the family that we've always wanted to be, but practically unable to be.

The Seeds Need Planted.

I found myself spending a lot of energy and time on work the past month. The truth of it is that I am changing jobs. I didn't know where to change to, I had not given it much thought. I didn't know if I wanted to change it up and go to my home state, get a position in the current state we are stationed or keep working through the challenges I had at my current position. I felt lost - wandering. I pursued job leads for those positions I thought I wanted. I just wanted to find a home. I've been lost for over a year.

Returning to NJ to work was a blessing at the time. It was a place I was familiar with, I was able to return to what I love doing the most and in a place where I knew how to function. It was comfort where I didn't have any, given that we had recently moved and even had hotel living at one point. Right away, starting in February, some of the problems I had at my NJ job seemed exaggerated. I didn't know if the problems were worse than when I left, if I had become different at handling them or if it was a combination of factors. I had communication problems with one of my back up physicians. We have always had communication problems, but they seemed a lot worse this year. I found myself battling her over the phone, in person and then we had it out in the hospital setting last month.  As usual, I spent (spend lol) a lot of energy fighting for my patients - protecting them.  I notified my employer that I was having a problem and that I was suffering from abusive communication and behavior.

No action was taken. All I got was, "are you all right?!"

Actually. No.

Frustrated, I applied for a position I thought I'd never qualify for, in the middle of the night, directly following the verbal altercation with my back-up physician (who does anything but back me up). I didn't feel qualified for the position. I had spent a lot of emotional and physical energy with internal and external battles in NJ the week prior and I found myself interviewing just days later in Ohio.

Things were calm. People were nice. I was given positive feedback from the start.

I was offered the job. 

I took the job. I'd be a fool not to take it. I feel cautiously optimistic about it. I only want the best outcomes for my patients and I want to be approachable. I will be a team with at least two other midwives who, I believe, share my goals. I get to expand my skill set (waterbirth, VBAC and Centering Pregnancy model of prenatal care). I get to apply my skill set to an at risk population. Plus, Cleveland is home to some really nice universities where I believe I will be able to move forward with getting my doctorate.

Lingering, still, are the feelings I have surrounding the reason I am leaving my current position. I spent the first part of my week telling my current position of my decision. I didn't expect too much action and more action came of it than I even anticipated. And, still, the only real action that moved forward was a "too little too late," kind of reactive response, which is typical of the business decisions made by my current practice. For some reason, it just seemed so inadequate this time.  The issues I brought forward were so personal and the failures I brought to their attention so applicable to daily work. The overall morale in the office is the lowest I've ever seen it.

And, still. No call to action.

I have spent this past week in introspection. I have been mulling these things around in my head, eventually talking about them with others and thinking a lot. I think that I'm ready to move forward. I want to make a decision to not spend another minute revisiting the details of the abusive person and communication. I wanted my current position to be fair. I wanted them to introspect, too, and to make changes that would benefit the practice. I wanted them to be better and to have a better chance for the future. But I can't make them want better. The more time I spend in it and revisiting it, the less time I spend looking forward. I have so much to look forward to and I have so many good things ahead of me.

This is probably one of the best opportunities and I came upon it from such a bad situation.

I am fortunate.

I will allow myself to feel positive and to move forward. I have so much to give. 

This means I will become a normal working mother and wife. I get to parent with my husband. Our family has never known such normalcy. We have been active duty. I have been a midwife student. I have been a midwife with state licensing barriers to moving and working. We have been separated because of one or more of these issues. Incidentally, I find all these issues dissolving within weeks. The gaps are closing, my values still intact.

I will spend my energy positively. Derek has many fears about living in Ohio forever. I don't have fears about my future at all. As long as we are all together, we can make good. I will let go of what has happened here in NJ and next week I start a new week. I will invest my energy in those aspects of my life that need my attention. I will work on shrugging off these feelings I've been harboring within - feelings of hurt, feelings of negativity, chronic problem solving and repeated visitation of past events (events I cannot change now).

I need to hurry up and get my garden planted in the Ohio backyard - before it's too late. If I act now, we may still have pumpkins in the fall.

I have so many similar pictures as this one in our file. A lot of Vitamix smoothies with all kinds of weird veggies and fruit.

Yesterday, I was thinking that I might have been getting into a depression funk, again, probably triggered by all the job change on the horizon. The problem isn't even so much that I'm changing jobs, because I don't mind simply learning new routines in a new location (that, alone, would be considered a "major life change") but rather that a decision cannot be made until the end of this week. It may even be longer until I am able to make that decision, if I hold out. Holding out wouldn't be a wise choice because I have an offer from a local program that is waiting for my answer.  I am a solution to their problem, they have a deadline to meet and they want to move forward to meet that deadline. I'm also part of the schedule at my current job and any decision I make will drastically change their schedules as well.

And, all of this for what? For a position that I could possibly have, but don't have. I'm really throwing myself out there and putting everything on the line. Frankly, it's not a very calculated move and I'm nervous because the trap door could open at any time.

I'm a "do-er," and so I naturally want to fix, improve and move forward all the time. It's difficult to sit back for any length of time and keep weighing options.

I went for a run which greatly improved the rest of the day's outlook. Today I feel better. I am getting VW fixed, I have the first part of my day that I'll be absent at my current job covered and I have some prep to do (decide on an outfit for interviewing, make sure I'm packed and that kids are covered for care). As soon as I get back into town I'll be leaving a few hours after that to go back to NJ to work for two weeks.

Hopefully, I'll have a plan by then. An answer will surface, whatever that is.

I also have ACLS early next week and that requires study and pre-test prep so I'll need to do that on the plane trips. I also have a few more hours of CEUs to get. I also need to pop into my current job and work on some charts before getting on the airplane. All that and kids, too. lol

Tonight, dinner is already planned and shopped. We are having veggie and tofu stir fry with a whole grain rice mix. We also have some leftover salmon and cabbage.

They Gave Birth to Professional Me.

I'm in emotional turmoil, but I create it myself. I am working to dissolve old habits of response.  I often respond to changes in my employment with tension and temporary anguish. Even if the move is good - which in my history it has traditionally been "good" - I fumble until I'm running with the new position.

So, that must mean I have a new position. And, the solid answer to that question is no. I have opportunities for new positions. I know I will take a new position. I don't know which one and I can't possibly know until next Friday. Multiple new positions?

Well, it all started earlier this month. Hot headed OB GYN gets mad at me, again, for working at night. Hot headedness doesn't make me break down, retreat and cry or negatively respond (as many others do). Honestly, I think it's because I grew up with a hot headed parent and, as an adult, I fail to get an emotional response in those situations. So, hot headed surgeon has an outrageous moment on the floor, again, and I calmly tell her that it isn't my fault or anybody's fault, but that the work just simply needs done (this happens in front of a nursing crowd only because that is where she started it and I essentially told her to quit making a scene and go to work). This doesn't elicit the kind of reaction she usually gets from others. I only add gasoline to her fire. It's verbally abusive - something that I tolerated for many years before and something that all coworkers of hot-headed surgeons manage on a regular basis. Recently, it's seemed a lot worse.

I came home in the middle of the night that night unable to let the situation go. I wanted to review the clinical situation for myself and in front of myself to make sure I wouldn't do anything differently. But, I wouldn't have, with the exception of failing to respond at all to her livid behavior and words. I had been ignoring a local ad for a midwife near our current home because the chronic wishy-washy back and forth method wasn't working well for my stability. I long for stability. I was immature that night, perhaps, but I applied for that position at 02:30am.

Last night, I was offered that position. Substantial pay raise, a group of like minded midwives without an overseeing OB GYN (except when I need one at the hospital) and opportunity for student loan repayment. There is everything to love. The older midwife who started the program is retiring and she is sad. She has been practicing a long time, still cares a lot and she has really started a legacy.  She said to me, "I hear what you are saying. I like what you are saying. I have been practicing for many, many years and I want to tell you that I grew tired when I learned that what was right didn't matter anymore." And, with her eyes, she passed me the baton in this relay race. Only, what she held out was her business card. lol

There isn't a room for turmoil. But, within hours of each other, two more jobs came into the inbox. What? I didn't apply for anymore jobs. I just had an immature moment in the middle of the night and I applied for one job.  A job I applied for a month ago decided that I was a prime candidate - at some undetermined point of time - and put out $1k for me to come and visit and further discuss.  That appointment isn't until Friday. And, the third job - ironically with the premier hospital system in my area that I visited a year ago, wasn't full scope and I so I respectfully declined an interview but thanked them for notifying me.

Even by pursuing the local job, I recognized feelings of betrayal surfacing within me. How could I leave my practice for something new?  They gave birth to professional me. When I looked within, I decided that I was, in fact, being subject to abusive and unprofessional conduct that was not resolved despite having frank conversations with the abuser, the office manager and the owner. I know what abuse looks like and I have enough self esteem to remove myself. I will no longer enable her to behave that way. But, there are many other people who aren't behaving that way and they don't deserve this.

Although I have not moved on from those situations, necessarily, I can compartmentalize them and make decisions that will help me move forward. I have been most caringly embraced by this new practice.

This is tormenting me because I put the offer on hold for a week to check out this new position. In my own mind, I have created a worst-case scenario, where I could end up with no new positions because of delay with acceptance. Or, I could end up with two offers. I have to be forthright with the new practice that I interview with, if I think things are going well. Or, the new interview process may not go well at all - for either one of us (most likely scenario) and I will be happy to accept the offer from the local position. The position I interview for next week brings me within hours of my family and that is why I put this current offer on hold. I want to move up the interview to earlier in the week, but it's simply not possible because there are flights, itineraries, many people all to be meeting in the same place. To their credit, this system worked hard to put this all together for my tight one week demand (frankly - they said they wanted to interview and I said if it's not in 1 week I won't be available). The least I can do is accept it, make the travel and seriously consider the position. It is a very desirable position, that is why I applied for it initially.

But, that decision comes with really heavy weights to consider that aren't even work related. But to have a position that I can be in without any determined final date of employment is heaven.

This is my two weeks off and it's been full of work-related tasks. I have had two in person interviews, I have a tour of the hospital this Sunday, I spent at least 4 hrs this week on my current work tasks (reviewing results), I fly out next week Thurs - Sat night and I wrapped up last minute state license requirements. I took a nap on Mon and on Tues and that's where the napping ended.

I'm on the brink of something new. That much I know. I am excited because I get to spend more of my energy positively and instead of defensively. Both new job locations offer loan repayment opportunity within 2 years if I apply. My doctorate plans are coming back into sight. I can do this here with the universities here or in my home state with the universities there.

By June, I will have flown coast to coast twice, visited my brother in the south for a week, worked in NJ half time and living here the other time, finished a Virgin Islands trip a few weeks ago and ... there has not been time for too much reflection. By June, I will have a new job. Somehow and I don't now which one.

All of this is only because I really love catching babies and seeing new families. I just need to find my home.

So, I will probably be a mess for awhile as I navigate this.  Employment changes get me to the core every time. I sense, however, that soon I will not have to do this again in the near future. The past two days I have skipped breakfasts, eaten out and had a few alcohol drinks in the evening. All subtle ways I am unconsciously trying to control the stress.

It stops today. Today I will finish my coffee, have a kale green smoothie and go for a run.

One of my interview questions was, "how to do you manage your stress with all the demands in your life?"

My answer: I run.

The interviewers:  "Really? Marathons?" And I heard much laughter in the room.

BABY kale.

I've had a few days of rest and now it's already Wednesday. Yesterday, I think I got the GI virus that Jenna had. Today, everything seems better.

The scale told me that I had, indeed, lost about 6lb from the previous two weeks.  I'm getting ready to go into the 140s. When I was in the low 140s the last time I was eating this way (2009?), that's when I started getting all the "you look gaunt," comments from coworkers. Even though I felt fine and I ate whenever I was hungry, I also thought I looked a little gaunt in the mirror. I freaked and started eating more simple carbs but that did not help things. It was then that I slipped off entirely and ended up unhealthy again. This time, I need to trust how I feel (do I feel well? Do I have energy? Am I healthy?) and let my body tell me when I'm hungry. I don't want to be gaunt-appearing at all, but I think that, if left to my own body type, I'm naturally thin as a body type in general. I spend very little time thinking about my food and whether I'm eating healthy or unhealthy (there is no argument) and that leaves a lot more time for other things in my daily habits.  The most I even think about it is here, on my blog, where I can address the issue. It's been 5 months, not 5 years, since I was last unhealthy so it's a continuous learning process.

This morning, my smoothie is almond, kale, POM, unsweetened soymilk, banana, frozen blueberries. For dinner tonight, I hate going to the grocery so I'm going to make use of what food we have here in the house. It will be a heated bean mixture (and cheese for the kids), roasted corn on the cob/brussel sprouts/garlic, buttered multigrain bread (no butter for me), leftover broccoli/edamames. Very little prep.

Yesterday was really nice and I wanted to run outside, but with the GI bug I was still "processing," until the kids came home. I ran on the treadmill in the garage, all 4 miles. I had not run in 3 weeks prior to that, so that last mile didn't feel good. Not all that fun because the humidity was up and it was high 50s in there without any natural breeze. I also spent 2 hrs at the vehicle repair shop and it looks like they had to order a part so I'll have to go back in the near future. I also did 4 loads of laundry and I also washed all my work clothes. I need to work from home today to keep caught up.

Today, it's raining and gray outside. It'll be a treadmill day just because of that, but at least I'm feeling better today. I'm slightly sore in my abs and upper thighs from the run yesterday, but it's not an injury kind of sore. I might take tomorrow off depending on how I feel tonight.

Derek and I are going to build a garden this weekend as long as the weather stays clear. I don't think we'll plant until May, but we'll at least get the ground prepped and plan where we want to put things.

I have my interview tomorrow morning. I'm a little nervous about it because I don't know how things will go and I'm fairly certain there is a lot of competition for the position. I'm not the most qualified candidate. I am the most qualified in my own mind because I love what I do and I know I learn quickly in new environments, but this position has a lot more to offer me than what I can offer it. I do know that they want somebody local and they are not accepting applications for candidates that are not local - so that substantially decreases the number of qualified applicants, statistically speaking. I am surprised that I have gotten this far into the interview process, frankly. 

All I can do is give them my best and assess whether I'll be a good match.  With moving to a new state, living in a new city/neighborhood - it's always about adjustment. It's always good to get into a groove and I know that can easily take about a year.  The kids are doing so well in this school district and the scores from this district are top in the state. Family Circle magazine seems to think our neighborhood is the #1 neighborhood in the entire United States (phew, Family Circle magazine isn't a peer reviewed journal). There are a lot of friendly people riding bicycles, running and contributing to community services.  Our time in southern New Jersey was just fraught with bumpy roads, physical family separation, exhaustion and sub par school districts (and crime). 

At this point, I see my children recovering and thriving. Friendships are being made. Networks are being discovered. I'll do anything to see this continue.

Lack of Location

Sometimes, I think that maybe I haven't really escaped from my hotel funk from summer 2012. I have spent a lot of time engaged in the moving process and traveling process.

Ok. I have spent years living in a state of constant moves and transition.

When I get to the end of my tolerance, I just start settling. Anywhere. Anywhere that I physically am at that time. I start circling the wagons and trying to sit, even though the destination is still up ahead. The last time I had a funk was when I bought that house in Margate. I just couldn't move anymore. I had moved three times in three years and I didn't have anything left in me to do anymore. I wanted the house. We bought the house. I fixed the house. I didn't think about how long I'd be there or how it wasn't fitting for forever. I just pretended that it was forever. And I made it a home.

I moved again. And, I sold the house.

We bought a house that "would do," in our new location. It's difficult to live in, having only 1 bathroom. It needs new flooring through the hallway and bedrooms. I want a covered back porch on it and I know exactly where I want to add the second bathroom. I don't love the house. It's just hard to live in. I've thought about putting in big trees to line our property in the back so that it's more private. At the time that we bought it, I wasn't in a desparate funk to settle down.

I had made myself get back up and on the trail again. This was another temporary location and so we bought a house that has excellent value and can easily be sold again. We would even have the ability to rent it because the location is so great.

I am approaching a year of job searching. I don't want to do it anymore. This is my journal and I can write it exactly as it is. My primary limitation is lack of experience and lack of location.

Who has a lack of location, anyways?

There are hard parts about my job, but the hard parts are never the patients. They are never the moms, the babies, the difficult diagnoses or even the staff.  Right now, I'm suffering because I'm spending a significant time on negative energy towards one of my collaborating physicians. Her communication is abusive. It's abusive to patients. It's abusive to me. I can take a high road (and I haven't, I just complain) and choose not to respond. But, deep down, I have never done anything wrong. It's just natural that we are going to keep meeting on the same street and be forced to communicate. It's been this way for the past 6 years and I know it isn't going to change. I don't want to waste another minute thinking of it or putting myself in the path of it. Her communication is child-like and rageful. I've been working since I was 15 years old and I know I'll never get along with everyone. This has worked for a long time, but I think I'm going to keep reaching for the stars.

There are some professional goals that are on a standstill right now because they aren't possible. I can't move forward with first assist without taking myself off of the money making appointment schedule. I'm not taking anymore time away from my family. There isn't any water birth out here. Even though I've managed to finagle two VBAC deliveries since January, the practice as a whole isn't able to do them. I want to be bilingual and I got a new computer as a first step. My next one is to get the Rosetta Stone program but then I also need practical experience.

And, there is always that doctorate degree out in the distance that, once dismissed in my mind, comes back into focus.

After a big communication "failure," with the physician (I'll leave it at that) one night on the floor, I came back to the rented room tired and I decided to apply for a position closer to where we live. It was a position that I ignored because I didn't think I met the minimums and I had decided to just continue this path of working in Jersey for a year. To my surprise, they requested a phone interview. The phone interview was snuck into my tight schedule and the interview went very smooth. I was delighted to hear they want me back for an in-person interview. The potential opportunities for growth at this job are high (pretty much covering all the goals I listed above). I also believe this position has competitive candidates and I'm not sure how I got to the next level.

I just don't even know when I'm moving again or how. I just know that I'm expending precious energy in my life unsettled, unfocused ... almost wandering. I know things happen for a reason and I've had a lot of positive signs that I'm meant to be here. But it's what I do that I love and, somehow, that energy transfers to patients and they latch even tighter as their due dates near. This won't change, I somehow know. It's inside me, not something I get from somewhere else. In regards to family life, it's still fragmented, as it has been. I'm such a goal-oriented person and I want to settle. 

It's painful at this point, really.

So, I guess that I'm having a moment. Is it a moment, or is it a month? Or, is it maturity?

Do I add the bathroom or do we just keep fighting over the same one? I don't have much time to think of it, because my lights are going out on the Volkswagen. I need to keep moving, my time in Jersey is almost up. I just can't move in the dark because my headlight is out, my reverse light is out and my registration is not current, having been locked into the state of Jersey due to a title mistake by my lender lodging the document between DMV's in two different states.

I can, legally, only move in the day time.

And that will never work for a midwife.

The patients keep me going. They keep asking me to be there. When I'm there, I feel like I make a difference because the patients tell me I do. A recent birth - she needed to trust somebody and, because of her fear she had written a strict birth plan and she was asking each new provider to sign it. How have I gotten this far in my career and never had to sign a birth plan? I was slightly repulsed, because I was given the impression that she was documenting my adherence to a plan. She was distrusting and slightly stand off-ish. I can't guarantee a plan. I even kind of slipped out that hopefully I wouldn't be there at the delivery. But, then, she kept coming back on my schedule and before I knew it - I was the chosen midwife. She didn't adhere to her plan, she never looked back on her plan. She said I could do whatever I wanted because she trusted me. I arrived on time, I respected her wishes and she had a beautiful birth. She allowed me to be present for it and to share in her experience. I told her I didn't have time to get a hair band to put up my hair. She gave me a hair band and I caught her baby. And, we all kind of forgot about the written birth plan. It was a document needed for her to protect herself. I think she knew she didn't need to protect herself from me.

I've mentored a few students since January. This current one will be with me for a few months.

If I don't write the truth than it's a waste of words.

The weight loss has continued, I think. I've done better with physically eating this trip. I think that in the past 2 weeks I might have lost about 5lb, but I can't be sure because there isn't a reliable scale. I know that my pants, which I have recently purchased in the past 1-2 months, are now loose. This way of eating is simple and aligns with my values. It puts my health and dietary habits as excellent as they can be and then I don't expend energy worrying about it or attending doctor appointments to deal with it.

I've never been so ready to leave Jersey before ... I'm not running from it, but after 14 straight days of working I'm ready to be free from a schedule. I was also on a schedule while traveling to and from the virgin islands and so I'm looking forward to my next two weeks to be with my family and ... lounge. I need to study for my ACLS class which is scheduled for my next trip in early May. I'd like to have a glass of wine tomorrow night and tuck in my kids. Next week I have my interview, I will make an appt to get the Volkswagon lights replaced and study for ACLS.

Just About Everything Decreases

I'm about half done with my green smoothie this morning. I always feel cold after my smoothie and, with blue nail beds, I know I'm shunting. It's just a normal phenomenon of eating this way and it was one thing to consider when taking on this way of living. It reverses, but the feeling of coldness seems the worst in winter, when I go outside and I'm hit with Ohio's wind and snow.  When I investigated this problem during my first round of - rather experimental - whole foods diet, I found that it's a known "side effect," and Dr. Fuhrman reports that it's normal because the metabolism slows down. Apparently, it's more efficient, cardiovascularly protective and even the WBC's will decrease out of a "normal" American standard level because we just don't need as many. Other signs of slower metabolism are also present, including a decreased B/P, decreased HR and decreased temperature. Just about everything decreases on Fuhrman. lol

Whatever the numbers are, they will be decreased.

I'm just not as tolerant of the cold weather and Ohio has really dished it out this past winter. We just melted off the last round of snow with our windy 34 degrees (warm!) weather. Even in NJ, I warn my patients before I examine that my fingers are very cold. There isn't a way to fix it. While indoors I wear a coat. lol

The Virgin Islands will be a welcome respite from the cold. I won't be able to make smoothies in a tent, so I'll have to rely on just regular food and salads to keep me fed and alcohol to keep me hydrated lol From one extreme to the other ... where is spring?

This morning I worked on test results (i.e. work) and today I need to clean kitty litter boxes and fold the 3 loads of laundry I finished yesterday. I also need to iron and put up my work clothes that I cleaned. I still have hours of CEUs to finish. When I get back from vacation, I'll be heading back to work so I need to make sure that most of what I need to get done is done.

Dinner tonight will be cubed sesame tofu, roasted beets and lima beans. This is a weird combo, but I don't want to go to the grocery store today. The kids and man can have buttered multigrain bread if they so choose.

Last night, I made homemade turkey meatloaf, baked yams and steamed cauliflower. Instead of the meatloaf, I had leftover cranberry beans/garlic. Meatloaf is the all time favorite meal around here. I think each serving of the meatloaf served was cleared within the first 30 seconds of eating dinner. We watched an IMAX show of polar bears in the arctic.

A Poll to an Audience: Please respond, anonymous is good, too.

I need audience INPUT. I am in the earliest stages of book writing. Via reply, facebook message or email (anonymous is fine). Any input is appreciated that is constructive.

WHAT is interesting to YOU about nurses, nursing or medicine? WHAT do you trust nurses with (i.e. information? your symptoms? Your diagnosis?)? What is a nurse to YOU? What do you want to know about nurses? What do you expect a nurse to do?

There are no right or wrong answers. Thank you! My email is jenniferhamcnm@gmail.com