I'm blogging again and I think it's because the bulk of our September patients are due next week. I have been working a ton of hours and it prevents me from sitting down to write. That is the nature of the blogging problem.
In order to vent, I need a few quiet moments for all the chaos to surface. I write it out on the blog and then it's gone. I obviously think out problems here, too. Without those few quiet moments, I run from one moment to the next. Whatever feelings or thoughts I had never make it beyond those moments in time.
I need quiet time and time for hobbies. I enjoy working on the house but wonder why I can only afford the houses that need renovation. I never "made it," such that I could afford to buy a house that was already renovated nicely. My children have chronically lived in bedrooms that were too hot or too small and with unfinished walls and/or floors.
To the untrained eye or to the stranger evaluating us as a family, our house doesn't look "nice" on the inside. Jenna had an afternoon play date last Friday and the house was stunning. Jenna just couldn't help but exclaim, "MOM! THEY HAVE THE BEST BACKYARD AND IT'S SO COOL!" and we learned all about the trampoline, Indiana Jones like tree rope, Pottery Barn looking backyard tent perfectly lighted with artificial tea lights, etc. Knowing that we live in an area most families can't afford, I feel like I'm always treading water. I explained that we are renovating our home and since the Dad does landscaping for a living, they explained that they had always renovated their homes, too. They had lived there for 9 years they said. We talked about whether to paint or scrape off popcorn ceiling, how to build sweat equity and more.
I think my home will look pretty darn awesome in 9 years, too.
It's just that by then my kids will be ready to fly the coop and we won't need it to look awesome anymore.
The news is that the ceiling is not asbestos - per the lab - so I drug Derek to Homeless Depot where I bought all the supplies to scrape of what there is and replace it with something that looks more modern. The task just seems so overwhelming because I know I'm about to make a chaotic looking primary living area into a taped off construction zone. A significant portion of our backyard has brown grass because underneath it's boulder rock. The grass will likely never be green.
Today was about catching up on laundry. Jenna is under the weather and she actually took a short nap before dinner as a result (very unlike her to nap). Darin hasn't had any explosive episodes since our last big blow out, so things have been running better since then. Some days have more tension than others, but overall much improved over the weeks leading up to his violent explosion. When we experience glimpses of normal family life, I now know what can trap families into poverty and depression. It's not that we became poor and depressed, but it's difficult to grow when we are constantly nursing our own family wounds. I see can how families with less resources or less drive might fall into a pit of despair.
The coyotes are howling tonight for some reason. This afternoon, a huge black bear was in our backyard while Derek and Darin were riding bicycles. Derek came running in with his eyes as big as saucers. Apparently, Darin calmly said, "Hey Daddy! It's a black bear." Emma was in play mode, but seemed curious why the bear didn't want to play. We are marveling at the many white cross spiders that make marvelous webs in front of our windows and decorate our exterior. The hummingbirds seem grateful to have a new batch of (wo)man made nectar. We've eaten some of the plums from our tree in the past week and those certainly keep the gut traveling.
I ran to the hospital a couple of times. I rounded in the AM and then I did a triage in the PM. I'm sure my triage will be back this weekend to have a baby. She is past her due date and exhausted with the end of her pregnancy. I worked for 4 hours on a new provider requirement online learning module for EFM. I returned several online EMR patient questions. Yesterday, even though I did not have office hours I mostly worked all day from home. I had breaks but spent a lot of time combing through lab results, calling patients, rounding on patients and answering more EMR patient questions. The night before that I was at the office until almost 10pm. The pillows and laundry need washed from our office and our centering room, so I rounded up all those and returned them clean today while at the hospital.
The work isn't done until I'm done. On a quiet weekend like this (ha), I'm tempted to go to the office and clean up my desk. Oct-Dec will be murder on the midwife due to our numbers and high level of patient commitment.
Both kids are doing great in school. I have a lot to be grateful for with that. Jenna is excelling, Darin is excelling. Derek started volunteering in Darin's classroom (Jenna's class was full of too many) and when correcting in-class work to help the teacher noted that Darin was one of only 5 kids who got 100% on his math work. Darin tells me how much he loves recess because he has a group of boys that he meets and they all play a game together of "zombies on the hill." Jenna is making a handful of really close girlfriends, all of whom she admires. She wants them to admire her, too. She stood up for a girl who was being picked on by some boys as they were riding the bus (she said that particular girl, although popular, had never given Jenna the time of day before that moment) and now that girl picks Jenna out to talk with her. Jenna thinks it's because of that moment.
When I think about the big picture, we are all right on track. Our appt with the child psychiatrist is on Tuesday 9/23. I took the morning off of work to go so that we can go together. The neighbor is going to make sure Jenna gets on the bus that morning. It's the older neighbor who owns the horse that Jenna feeds several times a week. We have lots of neighbors to call - they are mostly all older so they have availability to help.
I have been reading textbooks again (old obstetrics ones). I'm in the middle of my first assist clinical training, trying to get signed up for as many surgeries as possible while still seeing patients. I am also about to embark on circumcisions as well since that has been identified as a need in our practice. Relationships are slowly building at work. The last couple of times I've tried to run in and run out I've been caught in conversation by a nurse or coworker who wants to talk. Everything from the "energy of life" to "hey do you want to reuse this certification book now that I'm done?" kinds of things. My other relationships with regular coworkers are expanding, too. I want our practice to be progressive and clinically sound.
I'm just exhausted caring for my family and for my work. I'm giving my everything to straighten out whatever this awful summer presented us. Strange that our house indoors looks like a construction zone and the outside looks like a normal house. It mirrors our life, perhaps.
I was just thinking a few days ago that I really want to get back on the treadmill.