Well. I felt lost for awhile and now - all of a sudden it seems - I know my up from my down. I'm gaining momentum. I was the most lost I've been and I have spent years finding my way.
I've never been fired from a job before. Also, I had never cried while on the job, let alone everyday for a year. I entered a new hospital based midwifery position and fell into a group of obstetricians who self described themselves as, "never having worked with midwives before." It was a massacre and everything that I knew to be right and true about good midwifery care & philosophy was slandered & undermined. The top administration wanted midwives, but it was clear that the campus either didn't want them or didn't know how to integrate them. I didn't have good communication and social skills to make it work. I wasn't at my best because I had worn myself thin from chronic moves, I felt financially strained from the high cost of living and I overworked myself. I received some amazing letters and notes from patients & families who appreciated the, "far beyond ordinary healthcare," that they received. I stayed present for the patients and families no matter what and at the cost of time with my own family.
The job preceding that one was not one I really wanted. It was a job that would suffice so that I could work in the same state as my family. The position before that was ideal, but we couldn't stay because the military moved Derek twice after that.
This summer, when what I thought I wanted came to an end without my consent, I tucked my tail and I did the only thing I knew to do when I didn't know what to do. I came home.
Yesterday, our half a million dollar eastside Seattle home officially closed.
I am caught off guard by all these things I know about living at home. Everyday, I know more. The ground doesn't feel like it's moving anymore, even though we are all settling down to live in a city that I rarely - if ever - visited while growing up in Oregon. It's new to me, but also familiar.
To add to the momentum, yesterday we discovered a house that would work for us on many aspects. It will reduce our financial strain to zero, it has features that both Derek and I can live with, and it is sandwiched between the "above average" schools that the kids will attend. I see a spark in Derek that I haven't seen since before moving to Seattle (the idea of retirement was a high, our execution of the ideas was poor). Having a house like this will allow us the freedom, both financially and time-related, to enjoy our lives (flying, traveling, hiking, outdoors, etc). No matter what happens in our working lives, we can remain in this home. We finish seeing the home later today and barring any major discoveries, will likely make an offer on it. I'm thrilled to be in a buyer's market again.
I promised my children a "forever home," and then I had the unbearable task of rescinding what we gave them. It's been a painful summer for me, on par with the many summers of PCS-ing before that.
There is very little use in dwelling on what was. Doing so has been a waste of my time. The only time is now and, if I'm fortunate, I will also have tomorrow. It's been most functional for me to continue reminding myself that and to keep my vision forward.
Having hopes, dreams and possibility again lifts my spirits. This past week, I've felt my metabolic hum slow down. I start my new position early next week and for the first time in a long time I should be able to carve out opportunities to nurture myself and work at the same time. I don't know what will happen after that, but I know that it will be good.
I promised my children a "forever home," and in making good on that promise, I brought them back to my forever home.