I finally took a few moments outside with my camera. There was a rose I wanted to capture and I could see the bright yellow squash blooms calling my name from the septic pit. While out there today, I noticed that the white flowers near the sliding glass door were still in bloom. I don't think they have ever stopped blooming and the honey bees are all over it, despite our significantly lower temps & rain this weekend.
I haven't blogged much because my list of what needs to get done each day has been far from the summer dream I imagined. Unfortunately, what we want to get done this summer has been relatively low on Maslow's hierarchy of needs: housing, food, financial security. We fell hard, we are shoveling fast and we digging into deeper resources to get out of this one. It's just all around unpleasant, I'd say. This summer isn't as horrific as last summer, but it is a strong rival. We will be left at ground zero if we are lucky by summer's end. This event was untimely and we needed more than a year to get back on top of things.
Right now I'm sitting on the floor in the lower level, propped up by one of the bar stools. My limbs keep falling asleep. We are mostly packed, although we still have a bit left. Monday we will know for sure that we have a rental home secured in Oregon. Far from our dream situation, it is but is a dream to be leaving after what has been a very difficult 15 months. We are fortunate to be in contract with a family who really wants this home and who has community ties to our neighborhood. We need it off the budget, but we will be paying to get rid of it since the septic tank is cracked in many places (and can't pass inspection for a real estate transaction) and I'm sure they will want some things changed after inspection. It never feels good to pay thousands of dollars to "sell" something, especially after trimming unneeded expenses like a seller's realtor.
We were told on Friday that if wanted the rental home in Oregon it was ours, but in my opinion it's not a done deal until the paperwork is signed and there has been a financial transaction. The realty company has been dragging their feet because the listing realtor was on vacation. This final step is supposed to happen on Monday. Although I'm disappointed that we will be renting (I really dislike renting because it denotes impermanence, although this is clearly a misunderstanding of mine), I'm not ready to buy. Although I'm moving "home," I've never actually lived in the city where we are moving. This is like starting all over again, something we have gained proficiency in. It's expensive, always. I'm running out of tolerance for some aspects of the kind of life I have lived: rushed, career driven, leisure deficit, high risk, starting & restarting, buying & rebuying.
It's not that I haven't gotten anywhere, but that I didn't take myself exactly where I wanted to go. I'm thrilled, really, for all the memories I can revisit and for all the amazing miraculous moments I witnessed. I was a participant in some amazing stories, opportunities and memories.
I really want to make some changes in my life.
I want to get back on top of our finances, following this setback, and to do so we will need to live far below our budget until we know more about whether Derek will be working. I will not trade my sleep and sanity for a career. I start a new position that may or may not be exactly what I need, but I will give it everything I have to see it succeed. I don't want to stress over housing anymore. I don't know exactly what this means. I told myself, after selling the rural property in NJ, that I would never again buy a home with a septic and a well, and this home has only supported that feeling. Our costs were big because we didn't occupy any home longer than 1-2 years and we paid hefty fees for those systems when they failed in some way. I know it could have been significantly worse in either situation (tens of thousands of dollars instead of just thousands). If we are going to live impermanently, purchasing a rural home is out of the question for me. I don't even want to consider it as a permanent situation because I know that in 30 years I won't be interested in living in the same exact home that I needed to raise a family. I still want to live in a nice community. The people are very important to me.
I am giving more consideration to a very cheap (but safe) "permanent" home that we own that will allow us to travel and engage in other activities. Maybe we could buy a second home in a place of respite or maybe we can spend more time doing other meaningful work. I am giving more thought to volunteer work. I am thinking about whether Id like to take an opportunity to pull the kids out of school and to travel to a 3rd world country to continue practicing as a midwife for a year? In regards to volunteer work I have thought about volunteering to help fellow humans or maybe even work helping animals. I am not leaving anything out.
I need to sort out this transition before I get to where I'm going, although I'm well aware that this transition is part of the journey.
I had two physicians tell me that my resume, "looks gorgeous!" The medical leader for the job offer I accepted told the group sitting around the table, "after I saw her resume, I said skip the phone interview and just bring her in! I mean ... look at this!" It's not that I haven't accomplished anything or that I'm not even accomplished ... but rather that I have experienced some very deep disappointment that has, in many paths, risen to exceed the rewards.
In order to avoid a repeat, I need to make some changes. I want all changes to be focused on the kids and how I can enrich their lives as their mother. I want to see Derek happy again. Although he was ready to leave the military, I don't think he was quite ready to leave flying so abruptly. He also expresses disappointment with how this past year went with a tight budget and how he learned quickly that building his own business wasn't fun.
It's time to quit crying over spilled milk. I'll clean up the mess and then next time I'll pour the glass such that I significantly reduce the chance that I'll do it again.