I have some kind of upper respiratory virus (to be medical about it), but actually it's a face virus. It's a right face virus. It will be gone soon, based on the assumption that I'll heal as fast as the sick patients were when I saw them all 2 weeks ago. I want to call it a sinusitis, but it doesn't exactly fit that description. I don't have any congestion at all, just right maxillary face pain, right throat pain, right ear pain. In my terms, that is a whole lot of diffuse vague symptomatology that speaks viral language.
Just a bummer that it's on my day off before my week stretch of work.
Movers are here, today. They aren't movers and shakers. They dropped off half of our stuff and then left one guy to move everything in the house until 3pm, at which point the others dropped in to lend a hand and bring the rest of the stuff. Not efficient. The cats are locked in a bathroom and the dog is in her crate (with potty breaks). Who knows how long it will take to get it all moved in (the unpacking takes a few weeks in my experience).
I'm irritable and tired of my environment constantly changing. I'm happy to be in a "forever" house, although it doesn't quite feel like home, yet. How long does that take? From previous stations, it seems about a year.
For now, I'm in what feels like somebody else's house and making a new drive to and from work. I'm timing the drives with traffic and without. I unpacked my clothing and put it on a new rack, but I still don't have enough hangars and so most of what I wear is still in a suitcase.
I tried to take a nap this afternoon, but with movers and watching the kids it wasn't really possible. I saw that a night stand was next to me (we are on a mattress, no frames or headboard), a piece of furniture that must have been moved in this morning some time. I opened one of the drawers to put in my purse and found that the drawers were full. They were full of things I haven't seen since winter time: my kindle, a few word search books, some magazines, a container given to me by a friend who visited Italy, etc. I was taken aback. Something about the word search book. I like to do word search in the evening, but I keep moving and the word search books are left behind in boxes, stacked in with textbooks, left in drawers. I think I must have at least 6 jumbo books and I will find them all when I finally comb through all our belongings once and for all. I wonder if I have bought the same ones, or even if I have done the same searches in the past decade.
It hit me, because I realized I still have one in a box at the other midwife's house, too. I need to get a few things from her that I ditched when we ended up in another motel unexpectedly.
I was flipping through an online picture album and I saw all the home projects I had completed in the past, pictures of pagers, references to education and in the pictures I watched my children getting younger and younger.
In that moment, I was inspired by previous projects I had completed. It started when I saw the overgrown grassy brick mess that was in the backyard of our Ohio property. We knew we wouldn't be able to sell the home or enjoy the home while having to mow the patio and that was our motivation to replace it. But to see the before and after pictures of just that one project helped place my current state of mind.
I have been treading water. I lost my inspiration somewhere. These last few years really flew by. I can't say that I've sat around doing nothing. I have been challenged one month after the next.
I love this split level home in the forest. It's not a beach house. Somehow, the beach chairs that I bought to walk down to the beach in while living in a beach community in NJ got unfolded in the garage of our new house.
I have been really focused on keeping up with my day to day activities. I really raised the bar when I was set out to start this practice, especially given that I was expanding on relatively new skills in a new location. It's launched ... as of 3 months ago. Our third midwife starts in October. I hold something near and dear to my heart: a doula from Seattle told me that I was the best midwife she had ever worked with. I try to remain very open to new ideas of operating, but I have been at the bedside of laboring women for 18 years. It took me 11 years to realize that something wasn't quite right in American obstetrics and so I moved into midwifery. Ask me what my biggest challenge is day and day out and I can easily tell you it's standardized American obstetrics as seen by the medical world. I just got notification that a grant I applied for a EFM machine has been awarded to our department - one more way to keep our productivity within our dept and midwifery focused.
In about 10 years, my kids will be older and I'll be ready for a change. It will be a third world country, where I can be introduced to suffering. I have have been amazed at how far a woman can go to give birth and how long she can suffer, but I have a feeling that I haven't really seen it.
So after all this directionless rambling, I realize that just seeing pictures of what I have accomplished inspired me. I have done amazing things: I've made children, I've renovated houses, I've advanced my education and career, I've started a high end midwifery practice at the age of 35 (and become a pioneer, of sorts, for change) and I've made pumpkin gardens.
I hate this carpet that covers wall to wall upstairs and downstairs in this house. I've focused on it.
I don't need to worry. I'll rip it out and make it into some place I love.